Super Mario Odyssey: Mario and Friends Edition Fan Comic Book (Fan Comic Review)

H

Harold Roxby

Goomba
I'm waiting For somebody who can Critique on my Fan Made Comic Super Mario Odyssey. This Comic's Rated K-13+

Cover
maf_super_e3_special_smo_official_comic_book_by_toonking2-dawoxem.png


Sheriff Harriet Sanders's 1st Intro
page 1
page 2
page3

Peach & Bowser's 1st Intro
Page 1
page 2
page 3
page 4
Page 5
Page 6​
 
it seems like you've got big ideas for characters and plot, and that's cool, but overall it could use some work.

For starters, I'd practice drawing the characters more so you can free hand them, instead of using circle tool and line splice for most of their lines. The dialogue is kinda strange and doesn't read well in a few places, "mutilize" isn't a word, and I'm not sure why there's an electric fence on the roof of a skyscraper at all.

None of the characters on the cover appear in this first issue at all (those that aren't covered up by Mario and the blue guy that is), which makes me wonder who's more important in this story.

But that said, I'm sure a lot of work went into this and there'd be more potential in it if it was refined.
 
That Blue Guy is actually Peach's Brother from My Mario and Friends Comics named Count Cosmo Toadstool on Deviant. I'm alot sure this Fan Comic is half Different than Super Mario Odyssey Game Itself where Mario Rescues Peach alone then with the Mushroom Knights in the Comic Chapter Book Version.
 
In addition to what tb said above, you seem to use swear words quite a bit in this. It almost comes across as gratuitous. There's nothing wrong with some profanity now and then, but it just seems to me that you're using them because either you think they're inherently funny words or you just don't want kids reading this.
 
I sadly didn't want kids to read MY Fan Comics unless they are like 13 and up. Also, what about Horace Calling Harriet a "Pig" just because she works for the police?
 
I was fine with that, as it also works as a play on her being a hedgehog. Plus, that's not really profanity anyway.
 
You need to proofread as I caught several spelling and grammar errors, so you need to clean that up. Not to mention, the text within the text bubbles seem to be all over the place and not laid in a very neat manner. Overall, I think this needs to be refined a bit more (especially the drawings here, keep the fingers at a consistent size for instance) if you want more feedback.
 
The artwork is definitely improving. I appreciate the different shapes you gave the character faces.

Two criticisms:
The text is far too much. Seeing that wall of text does not make me interested at all. I'd recommend condensing how much the characters are saying, and have them only say what is necessary.
A lot of characters were introduced here, without much reasoning. I very much appreciate the callbacks to other characters you have here mixed in with new characters, but why are they here? Why do they all have special caps? These are all questions that should be answered upon introducing.
 
Yeah, I know and the reason why I put "?????" on the Female rabbit boss is because she's canon from the Game and Neither of the Canon Rabbit Boss's Names are to be shown until the game is released or that the Rabbit Bosses are Previewed some more.
 
I know this is a bit late after the post, but sometimes the text is either too small, or the colours used make the text hard to make out. This is generally with the pink, and yellow ones, so maybe try using darker colours.
 
Few Changes:​
super_mario_odyssey_beginning_intro_page_6_updated_by_toonking2-db140bm.png

& of course a preview for the Team Pauline Chapter 1 of New Donk City, Metro Kingdom, Pok'eball Nations:​
smo_team_pauline_chapter_1_new_donk_city_preview_by_toonking2-dbcpupl.png
Hint: this could be the reason how Pauline became Mayor.​
 
Okay, I modified my first post of the Topic and I also Added a new page for Peach and Bowser's Beginning Intro. Here it is:
super_mario_odyssey_beginning_intro_page_7_by_toonking2-dbdqop1.png


Click the Page four link of the Peach and Bowser's 1st Intro if you want to see the enlarged version.

Any C+C on the new Page?
 
GOT A NEW PAGE UPDATE!! HERE IT IS!! ;D

super_mario_odyssey_beginning_intro_page_8_by_toonking2-dbf3jdn.png


Click the Page 5 link on my first post of the topc in Peach & Bowser's Intro for a full size.

Critiques and Criticism Please.
 
Finally, a new page for Peach's & Bowser's first Intro and HERE IT IS. . .

super_mario_odyssey_beginning_intro_page_9_by_toonking2-dbgh2xj.png


Need reactions to the new page, If you can't read my comic page here, go to my first post of this Topic and click "Page 6" of the Peach & Bowser first intro.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back