A train wreck, to be precise!
I'm gonna name Link "Ol' Chuffy".
"In the beginning, the people followed the spirits of good, and everyone wore clothes that made them look as if they were naked."
"But that era of implied nudity soon came to an end."
"The evil glowy eyes descended from the sky and made everything bad."
"The war that ensued seemed to last an eternity, and much blood was shed. Most of it went into this painting, because red paint is really pricey as of late, and retirement pay is really bad for ex pirates."
"Finally, the spirits subdued the glowy eyes by throwing milk at them. The eyes, being lactose intolerant, were sorely beaten by the forces of good."
"Then they built a bunch of rails on top of the evil and hoped that would be good enough to seal all the evil and drama forever. This being a Zelda game, however, means that it was not."
"The spirits then made sure that the lock that kept everything imprisoned was a very gaudy and attention-drawing tower, to make sure every villain seeking to unleash the evil would know exactly where to strike."
Yeah, thank you Niko, that was great. Really. It's like, you're the reincarnation of Edgar Allan Poe, only as a balding swashbuckler in retirement.
Ol' Chuffy is a man of 42
He likes to think about trains and to hang out with little girls. He hopes he will get to do both on this adventure.
He also sleeps on the ground.
He had to sell his bed to afford ear plugs, because his roommate talks about ancient evils all day.
Ear plugs are very expensive in Hyrule, because Hyruleans have very strangely shaped ears.
Eh, come on, that's a little harsh. You were pretty great in The Wind Waker, and an inspiration to underdogs and blue-collar workers everywhere. You're a damn hero, man! Show a little pride!
WHAT?!? Oh my god, where are my pants?!?
Oh shit, its Alfonzo! My boss who looks exactly like the guy my former incarnation met on that pirate ship, which I dont know because I am not my former incarnation!
If I did know, I would probably be very confused now, and ask him a thousand questions, alienating him, and making him fire my ass.
"Why are you still here, Ol' Chuffy? You creepy old fart! Why won't you die already and leave everyone alone?!?
Oh, I mean hi!"
Now he is strangling me.
At least the man gets straight to the point.
You know, it is really strange that a reincarnation of link is born so soon after another.
I mean, Niko is still alive. He must remember the old link. But somehow he doesnt find it strange that his roommate looks exactly like some guy who worked for him when he was young.
Unless this Link is somehow the son of old link, which uh, would mean that this Zelda and this Link are most likely related.
"Today is the day you graduate from apprentice to official train engineer.
That means Alfonzo can throw you onto the rails and make it look like an accident. Be careful!"
"Use the stylus to touch... never mind. I think it's better if you don't touch anything. I don't like how you're looking at those girls."
"To talk to someone or use an object, just tap...
NO! I refuse to read this dialogue to someone like you! You're creepy!
You know what? Just get out of my face already! Tutorial done!"
This is our fancy menu. It doesnt look too fancy right now.
Let's check out the map. This is the most exciting part.
YES! You can draw on the maps again! That is awesome! Best thing in the game right here, everything else has just become unimportant.
Smashing some pottery according to good old family tradition. That old coot Niko has a surprisingly sturdy head.
Unfortunately, you can't interact with this portrait here.
Or maybe that is for the better, since Niko would surely talk your ear off about his swabbie and all the adventures involving swinging on ropes, piling up boxes, and having to sift through grown men's underwear.
Wait, I do have a bed?!?
Wow, that actually makes my life a whole lot better than that of my Twilight Princess incarnation! My heart goes out to the goddesses.
Ok, nothing in this house seems to be interactive, so I better go to my scheduled train accide... graduation exam!
And so I managed to exit the house. I feel pretty accomplished already. Not sure if I really need to bother with that whole "save the world" crap that is sure to follow in a while.
