Time Turner's Textual Territory (aka oh lord what am i getting myself into)

[Time Turner]

"Writing's my hobby," is what I'd say to anyone who'd look at me dubiously if I told then I spent all of my time playing video games. It's not terribly far from the truth, but I haven't done much with it. I write a section for The 'Shroom, Location, Location, and that's basically all I've really done when it comes to creative writing. Recently, I've actually gotten off of my ass (thank you, Undertale) and started jumping into the fantastic, freaky, field that is fanfiction. Exciting! It's a slow start, but I've started a couple of stories: one, The Humerus Human (if anyone has a better title, plz help) is a series based around Frisk getting sick shortly after leaving the Ruins and being taken care of by Sans; the other, Overture is a short one-off depicting Frisk in the moments before he entered the Underworld. They aren't epic by any means, but I want to start somewhere, and simple is probably the best place to start. I'll appreciate any comments, from the supportive to the scathing.

I don't want this thread to be just self-servicing advertisement, though. I thought that it'd be fun and a good challenge if you guys could throw out prompts for stories and I'd do my best to whip something up in a short amount of time. Don't expect masterpieces, but don't expect travesties, either. With that out of the way, feel free to browse, shout at me, or simply ignore me if you're really not feeling up to it right now.

 

[LeftyGreenMario]

I'm not familiar with the subject matter (Undertale), but I'll get into a few comments.

The beginning sentence is fine, but the next sentence is a bit too stringy to help grab the reader's attention.

Referring to the human in the singular plural is wrong and extremely jarring and distracting, not to mention, you flip flop between "he" and "they". Most stories refer to nameless humans as either "he" or "she" but if it's ambiguous (such as if the child is entirely cloaked), then you have to find other workarounds; but it's likely you can't even identify if it's a human, so it's just a cloaked human figure and you refer to it as, well, "it". But the child you described is not cloaked, so it's fine to refer to him as a boy.

Sans heard the giant door open. Well, it was more like the giant door woke him during one of his “breaks,” and Papyrus would always argue that he was taking a nap that could be better spent somewhere else, but the end result was the same. He never heard it open before, but there were very few things that could produce a sound like that: nothing could produce the same booming creak, the same scrape against the pile of snow that naturally built up over the years. Even if he wasn’t at his sentry station, he was certain that he would have heard it. Sans guessed that the new arrival was a human (he doubted that any of the Ruins’ regular inhabitants would decide to leave), and a quick peek over his stand confirmed his suspicions.

Try this?

The giant door opened and shook Sans from his nap during a break. Papyrus had advised Sans that taking a nap during a break was a waste of time, but Papyrus may have well been speaking to a wall. He never heard it open before, but the sound was unmistakable: the booming creak, the scrape against the pile of snow that naturally built up over the years. Even if he wasn’t at his sentry station, he was certain that he would have heard it. Doubting that any of the Ruins' regular inhabitants would leave, Sans guessed that the new arrival was a human, and a glance over his stand confirmed his suspicions.

As for overall story, does Sans quickly realize how sick the child looks? I mean "the kid violently coughed again and kept walking forward" should make Sans get worried immediately?

Anyway, I don't want to sound harsh, but you are open to some criticism... so here are some of my thoughts?

 

[Time Turner]

Referring to the human in the singular plural is wrong and extremely jarring and distracting, not to mention, you flip flop between "he" and "they". Most stories refer to nameless humans as either "he" or "she" but if it's ambiguous (such as if the child is entirely cloaked), then you have to find other workarounds; but it's likely you can't even identify if it's a human, so it's just a cloaked human figure and you refer to it as, well, "it". But the child you described is not cloaked, so it's fine to refer to him as a boy.

In Undertale, the protagonist is vague in pretty much all regards, including gender (it certainly can't be discerned from their appearance). This has carried over to the fan works, and most fans tend to refer to the character as "they," "them," and any derivatives thereof. I've seen plenty of stories that go into massive amount of detail but still leave the gender vague. It's intentionally ambiguous to keep with the spirit of the game. To be honest, it's hard for me to get used to using it, and I'm not particularly good at it, which leads to the flip-flopping. I'd appreciate any specific examples of when I screwed up.

The narration in the second story is meant to convey the thoughts of Sans. Sans is a laid-back, always-grinning, prankster of a skeleton who suffers greatly from being interpreted differently by every fan due to spoilery reasons. Personally, I have three rules for him: he never cries, he always smiles, and he only steps in if he has to. Sans is hoping that the kid can just walk it off so that he doesn't have to step in. It's only when he collapses does he decide that they're not going anywhere without his help. It's not that he doesn't care, it's just that he prefers putting in minimal effort for maximal results. It helps a ton if you have context with the game itself, but I'm trying my best to convey those elements through the story.

 

[LeftyGreenMario]

Just because a lot of other writers use it doesn't mean you should, and, as I said, it makes it more confusing when it refers to him or the two collectively. It's a major challenge, but I think you'd have to refer to the dehumanizing "it" as how some doctors refer to babies as "it". The singular "they" isn't widely accepted despite its wide use (and some androgynous people have used the singular "they"; perhaps this child is androgynous?) which is why, for me at least, it's so peculiar to see it used to refer a single person.

Here are some instances of flip-flopping.

He sighed as he saw the poor kid in front of him, trying to stand up but barely able to support himself with his arms.

The kid barely looked up before burying his head back in his arms.

I'll read the second part of the story later so I can make some writing and plot-related comments.

 

[Time Turner]

Just because a lot of other writers use it doesn't mean you should, and, as I said, it makes it more confusing when it refers to him or the two collectively. It's a major challenge, but I think you'd have to refer to the dehumanizing "it" as how some doctors refer to babies as "it". The singular "they" isn't widely accepted despite it's wide use (and some androgynous people have used the singular "they"; perhaps this child is androgynous?) which is why, for me at least, it's so peculiar to see it used to refer a single person.

Using "they" is a quirk of the fanbase more than anything, and I'm okay with playing along. Some people see the kid as a "he", some as a "she", some still as transgender, gender neutral, and so on and so forth, so to keep it simple, a lot of people use "they". Still, "it" is not an acceptable pronoun to use in pretty much any circumstance when referring to sentient beings, and the singular they has historical backing and is far from beingwrong today; even it hasn't reached a comprehensive amount of support, it's fine to use it.

 

[LeftyGreenMario]

All right then, feel free to stick with "they"; I suppose your intended audience is that fanbase as well, so it's not like you're going to run into many problems in that regard. You still need to stick to being consistent with your "they"s and "he" just to make it clear. I think you should also say in the story if the child is androgynous for those unfamiliar with the game lore.

 

[Time Turner]

One of the story's tags is "Gender-Neutral Frisk" (Frisk is the kid).