This Isn't Even My Final Fantasy(many images)

[LN1]

The amount of images contained in the episodes is very large and may cause your computer to lag.

THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FANTASY: A DOCUMENTARY*​

Welcome to 1997, a time where nobody knew yet you could do Watch for Rolling Rocks in 0.5 A presses and a time where GameFAQs was still blooming as a site. But this is not about modern-day exploits or about an internet site with fairly popular forums despite having very little features. There's a reason this is posted on the Super Mario Boards and not GameFAQs after all.

Episode links:
Disc 1
Midgar (1-50)
East and West Continents (51-87)
In Pursuit of Sephiroth (89-101)

Spoiler: Ep 1: It Doesn't Trigger My Chronos Either

Nothing like some good old memories about the times when Square was a company separate from Enix.

Say goodbye to your Chrono Triggers and Final Fantasy IIIs, because your new favorite game is here to stay.

A star texture. It moves around to show a bunch of stars. People probably can tell where the constellations are but I'm not one of those who can.

This is the face we are presented to first. Obviously this means that this person is the protagonist.

The camera moves away so I guess that was just a trick and that person is a false protagonist.

Okay let's stop feigning ignorance already. Yup, it's Final Fantasy VII.

*Not really.

 

[MoonAge]

*waits for the Honey Bee Inn part*

 

[freakworld]

 

[LN1]

Spoiler: Ep 2: My Mana Holds No Secrets

You cannot see it from this still image but the colorful guy kicks the red guy's ass.

More colorful people appear.

Hmm, I wonder, could any of these people here be the protagonist?

Everybody leaves but blond spiky hair guy. So I must assume direct control now.

POTIONS!!! Ok but seriously, this game rewards you for stealing from unconscious people wtf.

Uh oh, the military corps must have seen me committing petty theft.

Ow! Thank goodness this game is not Final Reality VII

Also I'm amazing in battle animations. Too bad I'm not Alucard and thus cannot stylishly backdash throughout the entire game.

You can never have too many Potions.

You can also steal another Potion. Remember kids, this is our hero.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to talk to this guy here. This actually kinda sucks in my opinion. Why not at least a "..." textbox or something?

Hello good sir. Your name reminds me of a Vicks from Final Fantasy III.

Okay seriously speaking what's up with the all caps? I mean, later plot important groups aren't written in all caps so what's the deal?

I quit because my Caps Lock broke and my pinky was getting sore from holding the Shift key so often.

My name is not i...Okay, I'll just tell you.

You know, those white things on the sky.

Our hero is a bit of an ass.

In case you don't know, the black guy is speaking here. I'll be fair though in that it's clear when you're not seeing the game via still images.

If I push Cancel to run then what? Yeah, this game's script was...interestingly written so things like this happen kind of often.

I'm sure that symbol means something. Anyway, camera panning to show us how big our destination actually is. Kind of...

 

[LN1]

Spoiler: Ep 3: Valve Jokes Are As Old As This Game

There's a short room I took no snaps of. You can fight doggos there.

But the doggos are very mean and they yield moneys so you are encouraged to kill them. They die easy too.

This guy finally breaks his vow of silence and allows us to have social interaction with him.

More randoms. Now you get a weird flying contraption that apparently is kind of an alert.

Cloud has a Magic command from the get-go, so I decided to fry this little bugger.

I ain't no n00b.

A bloodsucker? Well, all you have to do is stab their heart, cut their head off and then choke that head on garlic. That worked last century and should work this century too.

Barret then proceeds to promptly merge his body with yours. Seriously though, that's what it actually looks like when not on still images.

Luckily for us these guys already knew.

I don't know? Legitimately speaking, I can only suppose at this early point avalanche(all caps) is a fairly sized group but I don't exactly have evidence to know that.

Take a slight detour for a Fenix Dawn and then go onto the obvious path.

5π is approximately 15.708.

Cloud still doesn't care so I guess I can just say μ is the letter for the prefix micro, which denotes 10-6. 5π * 7e-6 = 1.09 x 10-4 which has absolutely nothing to do with anything but I'm sure some nut could use for his conspiracy.

Maybe Cloud should ask KartSeven for tips regarding this game's speedrunning tactics.

 

[LN1]

Spoiler: Ep 4: Ominous Save Point

Kind of an interesting environment. Kinda makes me wish this game was a platformer but eh.

A new enemy. Cannons. Also, this room is the first area, to my knowledge, where the game's Regular Battle theme can play, as previous rooms just play Bombing Mission on the background and battles don't change that. Oh yeah, Barret also is in our party. He fires his gun arm. His damage is pretty similar to Cloud's.

I know offhand that some enemy in the reactor can drop Ethers and that it's not really common. I guess this was a fairly lucky run.

OK is Circle/O by default.

If you talk to Jessie she'll just tell you the ladder instructions again. Boring.

Down we go.

Come on, you can't just disobey a Save Point. (I did save but I didn't feel like showing later characters' portraits from my other save files )

 

[LN1]

Spoiler: Ep 5: Attack while it's tail's up!

Alright, so here we are. Oh, more neat treasure.

You want me to set up them the bomb?

Fiiine.

Alright, this should be easyyyy-

Argh! Sudden mind pain! I must cover my ears!

...Did you say something?

Oh yeah, the bomb.

I guess those tips from KartSeven did not get listened to.

Say hello to the first boss of the game: Guard Scorpion. It's not really a hard boss.

It does Search Scope on either Cloud or Barret which doesn't quite do anything.

It's weak to Bolt. It happens to have 800 health, which means you don't have to attack it a whole lot if you use Bolt.

When Guard Scorpion gets a turn again, it targets the Scoped character with a tail attack but this one luckily missed.

Hmm, something is up.

Attack while it is tail is up? Cloud, not you too!

Ok, grammar nitpicking aside, this script just isn't right. You get a textbox telling you straight up to attack the Guard Scorpion and the next one that tells you that it will counterattack with its laser takes a few seconds. FF7's script has some funny mistakes that don't mislead you outright. This is not one of them.

So you must actually not attack. But hey, how powerful could that attack really be?

Er, kinda powerful. Mind you, even at base HP Cloud survives 3 lasers fine.

Let's counter that counter. Limits were meant to be broken!

Braver is basically a jump slash in regards to the animation. Guard Scorpion actually still had its tail up so I ate another Tail Laser.

Barret can break the limit too.

A superior shot.

The Big Shot didn't actually kill Guard Scorpion. Cloud's MP being different in this screenshot is fair proof of that.

The Assault Gun is a weapon for Barret that is stronger than his initial weapon. But that's not too necessary to care about right now.

 

[LN1]

Spoiler: Ep 6: Nobody Dies....Right?

10 minutes? Should be easy enough.

Well, maybe the random encounters won't love me. The robot in the back dies to one Bolt but so does everything here.

The dark blue troopers can take a single Attack, but their own doesn't do that much damage.

Still enough to get Barret to what is considered low HP though. Ah well, I got some levels.

On the way back we find Jessie. I guess Cloud does have some sympathy after all.

Now she won't die a horrendous death from the explosion.

Oh yeah, Cloud also has an Ice spell available to him through the Magic command. It's less useful than Bolt but still works.

Say goodbye to the Mus, 7s, Pis, and 5s.

Anyway, Jessie has the code for this door, so it's good we saved her. As far as I know you have to approach her and talk to her yourself(the game doesn't force you to). I don't know too much if you can get as far as this door without saving her, but Cloud would die horrifically from an explosion if you didn't, so don't do that.

Biggs has the code and he's been kindly waiting for a while.

Let's gtfo already.

Isn't this explosion 6 minutes too earlyyyyy-

I didn't think I would set up them the bomb that intensely.

 

[LN1]

Spoiler: Ep 7: This is Cloud. Can you read me, Barret?

If you say so.

Barret please.

Wait Jessie, I was not ready-

We're not bombing the train, are we?

Cheap-ass. Well, I guess I'll just take the stairs then. Next room.

Hello.

Say hello to dialogue choices. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who would instinctively pick the upper choice. However, the lower choice allows you to actually interact with the flower girl.

Only a gil? I should be able to spare plenty.

Yeah sure, why not?

Now that we have a flower, we have nothing else to do in this room. Down(um, back from a Z-axis perspective?) is where we must go.

Orange hatted guys move too fast to really be talked to. Panic is natural.

Someone forgot their Potion.

You must be seeing what the camera doesn't. You bring out my curiosity.

Just between you and me, I will probably steal the Caps Lock.

If you fight them all you get is a boring Guard MP fight which I guess is a way to get more Potions but you can always buy more of them.

Shit, they cornered me.

The train is sounding. That's good.

Arrivederci.

Come on, don't insult Cloud's manhood like that.

Sorry Biggs but we have enough '[character] is dead' theories in vidyas.

*knock knock*

There's reasonable doubt.

The point here obviously is that Barret is obviously the guy who is most to blame if Cloud would not continue with AVALANCHE, but he acts as if the rest of the crew is more to blame, which is meant to be...ironic I think is the word. At least, I hope that is the case and Nomura Fantasy VII's script isn't messing with me.

Barret then proceeds to slam the crate next to him.

Wedge won't mess with Barret.

Here I am!

"Kept you waiting, huh?"

 

[LN1]

Spoiler: Ep 8: This episode contains actual swears. Please don't watch if you're 9.

Are you implying I don't deserve to make a big scene?

Watch your mouth, young man!

Did you even read the dialogue of the last 3 episodes?

You are the pitiful fool, I'm afraid.

For fuck's sake.

I wasn't liking the back cart anyway.

It's just what I do. *tries to flip hair*

Oh yeah, that door.

Idk, I didn't feel so dusty in the face but thanks I guess.

No reason to stay back. Let's go.

And then we come in like it's our train. That's how we roll.

I guess you can't choose your passengermates. At least green shirt is a welcoming guy.

Wait, we are?-I mean, they know their base?

I kind of disagree with your supposition.

Barret and the red guard aren't quite as welcoming as the green shirt guy.

Sucks for us.

Surely that will happen Wedge. Surely it will.

These trains go in a linear path and probably don't deviate too much from it. It can't be that hard.

I think you could tone it down just a little. You almost ruined my hair's perfect pointy bits.

Freaking boot times. And this train probably has a 1997 OS.

Nah, surely Midgar is bigger than 10000(1e4) of these monitors.

15 meters. Fairly high up.

(The second picture is mostly the same dialogue from the first except the bottom line). Alright then.

Midgar's overall size is bigger than just the 8 reactors...Yeah, I'm sure the scale is not 1 in 10000.

Towns used to have names, but there's nothing like a database or something about the Midgar towns?

Kinda boring, but I guess that's just how that is.

I was expecting the route from the start but thanks.

Alright then.

Uuuuhhh...

...Okaay then.

I feel a bit uncomfortable.

That's nice to know. (no it's not)

Well, that's it with Jessie then.

....When do people sleep here?

I mean, it kinda is. A good percentage of the ninja population dies in floating pieces of land with madmen, you know.

Yeah yeah alright.

....What's a pizza?

How are we alive?

Freaking class economics.

That's some patriotism

As I said, the path is linear and can't be that complicated.

I'm preeeetty sure Midgar is over 10,000 times as big as the monitor I saw.

 

[LN1]

Spoiler: Ep 9: Possible catastrophic foreboding

So now we are here at the destination.

You're alright I guess.

*yawn* Sorry, what did you say?

....Oh. Uuuhhh..nice.

They go to the right, but nobody said I had to be there early.

These two weirdos are talking and it doesn't seem to matter who you talk to as they both say the same dialogue.

Goddamn script.

Hmm...

Seriously though, what the hell are these two going on about?

This train man though...he really is alright.

If you visit the Train Graveyard...

...you won't get much out of it.

I didn't even find any of the supposed ghosts.

Let's just go the correct way already.

But...why?

Ah, damn these invincible NPCs. I'll get you one day.

Not having good luck with NPCs. And I just had found a decent train man.

Sure.

I really hope Barret doesn't get any ideas.

It really is.

This panning actually takes like 20 seconds in the game. Seriously, the scale had to be at least 1/1000000(1e-6).

Thanks dude.

 

[LN1]

Spoiler: Ep 10: Barret is a scary guy.

I can't just live life forever as a hobo, I guess.

Barret literally enters the bar and starts shooting away.....This can't go over well.

Must have been a big one...

Do tell.

Well, yeah.

That's probably more than what Bar-my boss would pay me in my lifetime.

But I was told there is no night in Midgar. *sigh* Not that killing all those people would be all that good anyway.

A clear example of differing opinions.

Nice to know.

It really, really was.

Sounds like that must suck.

Well, you're alive and that's good.

Guess this odd "house" isn't for me to visit.

Neither is this one.

 

[LN1]

While I wait for Gilgabot to give me my Fire job, here's an episode.

Spoiler: Ep 11: Cloud gives a flower to a little girl.

Yeah, yeah.

What?! I don't remember this.

What is going on?

Went. Now I'm not so sure. Heck, I'm not even sure if the stuff that happened went right, nevermind the present situation.

Yeah, he was decently helpful.

Oh, you didn't mean as an ally. Uh, kind of?

That's your name.

Oh yeah, that's right. I was holding a flower.

I get the feeling I really shouldn't have.

I think I'll give it to Marlene just to be safe. Little girls can do no wrong, right?

Coming from you, I bet she does. I bet she really does.

Eh, you know, it just might be interesting.

I think that's a sign.

...Never heard of it.

Are you okay, buddy?

Might as well.

Drink a little less. You commanding me is not gonna happen soon nor last.

I can't blame her. Not everybody gets my pointy bits.

Well, talking to people doesn't get me further, guess I might as well go out for a breath of fresh a-

Barret!

That's right.

I mean, it's all right.

Huh? You're welcome.

Uh, thanks.

Greater than great.

That drop does not look comfortable.

S-s-sit down? But I didn't do anything!

...I don't want to end up like Biggs, sorry.

That's exactly why I don't want one.

I bet they do, but I don't care.

What are you implying?

Hey, holding X to run tires a little, all right?

 

[LN1]

I haven't been having luck with Gilgabot, but you guys still get an episode.

Spoiler: Ep 12: Dispute between two big guys

Let's just go down there already.

I'll be honest and say I don't even know where you got that idea from.

Yup, that's how we roll.

That could be pretty bad.

I would know that. It really was a blast.

Wait WHAT?! You fool! Let's just go talk to someone else.

Sure, why not?

Surely you don't think guards with less than 100 HP are from soldier(all caps).

They're pretty elite...

what the fuck

where did that come from

Hey, Barret.

Okay, seriously speaking, Cloud's attitude here is entirely warranted. Barret's comment came out of nowhere when Cloud's actual dialogue never once talked about how amazing he is for being an ex-SOLDIER, or how he wants to go back. I do josh Cloud a bit for being selfish and write some commentary, maybe he sounds a little pretentious at times, but Barret's comment was just unwarranted. What I'm saying is that for much I josh about Cloud not being that heroic of a hero, Barret is not exactly a role model either here. I won't hold them in bad regards just for some moments here and there though. Let's stay positive.

You need to talk to Barret again for the money line, but it wouldn't be too off being in the same dialogue set.

Marlene admires her dad, nothing wrong here.

Tifa doesn't want us to leave though.

Ugh...

Barret, you think maybe once was enough?

Well then...

 

[LN1]

Fun fact: I had gone halfway through doing this episode until my OS decided it really didn't want to cooperate in loading things. I tried to save the text on a Notepad file and then access it after restarting my computer. But it turns out that the Notepad file was filled with 3 KB of spaces and not the episode text for some reason.

Spoiler: Ep 13: I was the one who got bad luck.

Let's try that.

Biggs is kind of...occupied and Barret just repeats the money line.

I damn sure hope it was.

Besides the fact that Jessie was talking to herself apparently, I still don't get the "verbal agreement" dialogue one. Like seriously, I'm legitimately confused on the meaning of that one. I'm not sure if this a product of Nomura Fantasy VII script or if I'm just dense.

Wedge tries to be a comprehensive guy.

He sees that in Cloud's act of being a selfish lone wolf maybe he just wants attention from people.

I dunno about this response though. I mean, didn't he literally start by saying that Cloud's "I don't care" attitude was just a cover for him wanting friends? But now he's no longer convinced just because Cloud says he doesn't care?

The other option however, somehow implies to Wedge that Cloud is not a complete ass.

I'm not entirely sure why this is the case.

Well, that's as much settling things as we can do.

I dunno, Barret doesn't convince me much.

You weren't out there in the mission, so I'll be fair and let Cloud say it.

To be perfectly honest, this is one of those Final Fantasies where characters are minorly different and can mostly take on any role(which is the case since 5 up until 10 at least. Well, to be fair in 10 character roles are fairly defined when not stat-maxing and I entirely don't know about 9.)

That is the plan. It's not perfect, but it's the plan.

Are you seriously guilt-tripping me, Tifa?

A strong word, Tifa. Do tell.

Do tell.

To be fair, I(as in, LN1) don't remember much stuff of when I was 10.

I don't know how we are here, but I guess it's a good time as any to remember.

In retrospect maybe waiting outside in the middle of the night wasn't the best for Cloud's health.

I guess 7 years ago now is as good a time as any.

...That may not have been an amazing idea.

I guess that's partially true. Cloud hasn't quite found a job yet.

Wish granted, I guess.

He says there's frogs in Paris. I don't know what the hell a Paris is so surely he must be wise as hell.

A very long while, let's say.

I guess I was on TV?

Oh here's the moment.

Um...

Sounds like a nice fantasy. Hopefully not the final one you'll have.

Uh...

Uh...

Well okay then.

At least Cloud is well on terms with who he is.

I mean, do you want me to like, get someone to tie you on train tracks so I can rescue you or do you prefer...

But Barret, I didn't promise to save YOU.

What am I going to do with 1500 gil? Buy 10 Revivifies?

For 3000 I can buy 3 Phoenix Downs. I need to get those Resurrection Mixes going, you know?

Or heck, I could buy 2 Ethers. Those X-Potions don't make themselves you know?

I suppose at least Barret cares for his daughter.

I'm...not sure I really did anything.

 

[LN1]

This is literally just the Materia tutorial. Seriously, you shouldn't even bother.

Spoiler: Ep 13.5: I'm not joking.

If you still think I'm joking, now is a good time as any to just close the spoiler.

Here's an actual joke.

What did the arcade-goer say when his favorite dance machine had a new high score? "I will beat the new score."

I didn't say it was good.

Anyway....

...Here comes the Materia tutorial.

Basically Barret is an idiot for the sake of not degrading what Cloud should know. I guess it's logical, but meh.

I could have said no, but I don't quite love you guys enough to skip the Materia tutorial. This shouldn't be a surprise if you actually read the other parts.

The tutorial is pretty automated. Don't even need to hit O/Circle to advance.

I mean, you could have changed that and the game knows how to tell you that a button serves a function by default(see part 2), but I guess the purple/pink textbox would look weird with those?

I don't think you can change that.

Again, O/Circle by default.

X by default, although I think the default menu button(▲/Triangle but you already knew that) closes it too.

Yeah, yeah....

It's boring, but this tutorial is optional, so I can't hold any ill will towards the game for that.

Bangles are bracelets(every single armor in the game is) so I'm not sure why they're called armor or why a bracelet boosts your resistence against whacks, but I guess they didn't feel like deviating from a common term....?

...Anywaaay...

To be fair Restore is kind of vague when you don't think too much about it. But maybe I have hindsight bias? Idk, all I know is that it's not called the 'Cure' Materia.

To be fair on my first playthrough I didn't use this option like at all and I actually did accept taking this tutorial.

Anyway, it brings up a...simulated battle menu I guess.

Cure: Because Potions are too damn expensive. Ok, Cure generally cures more than a Potion in reality. I just like Items.

Fascinating.

Except that's a blatant lie, because the tutorial still continues.

[nothing]

I'm not sure if you can configure this function to a non-Triangle button.

*gasp* A downside for easily accessing spells?

Actually...

Just look at those numbers.

Although what Cloud says here is true, it's not the biggest deal. Anybody who actually has exploited the Materia system well should know.

Just equipping 1 Restore Materia won't suddenly make you weak physically or a low HP party member. Now granted, some Materia does actually have noticeable penalties(one in particular reduces your HP by 10%, although that one gives you by far the strongest attack in the game), but don't think too much about it unless you're planning on doing a challenge run that cares about having as much HP as possible. Also I hope random variance doesn't screw you in such a run.

You can also see your current HP and MP but that's irrelevant.

Do know that there are some Materias with literally no penalties to equipping them, but I'll discuss that when I get to one of those.

It really is this time.

I did also feel kinda stupid the first time I took this tutorial.

But Barret just doesn't learn anyway, it seems.

Yeah yeah.

Ooh. I can't wait to get my hands on some delicious weapons.

Let's see what Marlene says; for good luck.

Thanks.

 

[freakworld]

if you feel like exploiting the materia system i cant wait until youre at emerald weapon because you sure need to master your shit for that one

 

[LN1]

Well, there's always that one cheap insta-kill method that was taken from 6 and made arguably more accessible, but we'll see when I get there.

Spoiler: Ep 14: Phoenixes are only expensive in 5, apparently.

That shed on the left looks kind of enticing.

Hello.

Hello!

Show me.

Phoenixes only cost 300? Niiice.

Hey, I have to take some. Offers like this don't come every Final Fantasy. (Turns out that in later Final Fantasies they're still cheap and somehow got cheaper. Funny that.)

And a Fire Materia because I don't have one yet.

I don't get it. No seriously, what is up with the first sentence?

I'm already fully healed but...

Does your house even count as an inn?

Either way, I'm not buying it.

I mean, I straight up went to talk to you, but alright.

Would it really?

The third item is a Grenade, an item you can use to attack your enemies. If you were doing some kind of Item Command Only challenge, this is where you'd start.
[im width=400 height=225g]http://i.imgur.com/sFOVGL2.png[/img]
The second floor, huh?

Right on, buddy.

Yeah, I have enough compassion to not go through all these texts. I can explain on this paste.

Nifty.

?

Nifty.

Yeah, yeah.

That's pretty much what saving does.

In literally any game with saving ever.

A bit misworded since you don't actually get the World Map, but true.

Wait is the Save Point talking or is it the woman?

They're nice.

Alright then.

 

[LN1]

Spoiler: Ep 15: This is probably bound to be a train wreck.

I bought 2 Potions. I mean, you can never be too safe, right?

Let's prepare ourselves.

Looking good.

Also pretty nice.

Tifa can have a Fire Materia. I mean, why not?

Regarding Barret's Materia...

A Restore linked to an All. Not bad.

Now to visit this house.

This woman talks about her son, I believe. I don't know who her son is....

Is it Biggs? Is it Wedge? Is it someone else entirely? No seriously, I am not really sure who the son is.

Tough luck, it seems.

Go on.

I wonder where that could be.

I guess it must have been.

Sounds rather dangerous...

...Alright then, I'll be leaving.

I dunno who this kid is.

(Again, a weird text box with four lines of dialogue that just kind of scrolls down when you press [Confirm]{default O/Circle})

A fucking typo. This script is getting better and better.

Johnny...There are many Johnnys. Can't say I know a particular one you might be referring too though.

This was 1997, so I don't quite think whoever wrote the script was really actively trying to offend mentally retarded people. It was a time when saying "you retard!"was as stock of an insult as any you can think of. Simply enough, the mentality nowadays is that the word retard is offensive, as in being in bad taste. That's not a bad mentality, just something to consider when reading dialogue of this 19 year old game.

Even generic red guards can have friends.

They as in the generic crowd or some particular group?

Oh yeah, the all caps people.

These two weirdos again. More weird script for me?

Well, it is weird dialogue.

Wait a minute, what are you going to...

...do...

They may be talking but I'm sure these two people just committed to a suicide pact!

Ah train man. You're still an alright guy.

I mean, there was that double suicide right there, but you did tell me you get used to it.

Sure, whatever.

This man takes a seat and Barret moves to the front.

I suppose red-suit man mumbled something.

It should be no surprise whatsoever.

Red-suit man expresses his opinion. Good for him.

Barret might not take it so well though.

Barret please don't....

...assault the man. Good thing Tifa was here today.

...Do you want me to be tense?

Nice.

For fuck's sake Barret, do you want to ruin my enthusiasm?

Fine.

Yeah, we managed to fool it last time.

...Well fuck.

Ummm...

Three minutes is short for a train ride. But I guess anyone here would be thankful for a short ride.

Yeah yeah, alright.

Sure, just let me talk to some strangers.

Alright then, Mr. train hobo.

Brag that you stood in front of the big Barret and survived. I guess that's actually fairly impressive.

Eh, alright. I guess I can see the greek letters again.

!

 

[Lin Beifong]

Not really sure what Barret's deal is. You'd think he wants the mission to succeed, so why call out Cloud for being focussed on the mission?

Also, this translation is horrendous.

 

[LN1]

I'm not entirely sure what Barret's deal is. I know Barret doesn't like Cloud for having worked for Shinra, and therefore Barret doesn't treat Cloud the best, so I guess he mocks Cloud since he hasn't quite gotten to liking him much yet?

Final Fantasy VII's translation is rather infamous. In fact, I'm not too far off from a character whose original name localization still sparks some debate from time to time.

Spoiler: Ep 16: A different approach

That's trouble.

A! Clearly this people must be SMB.

I do not want to be searched by SMB.

Wait, that was the search? I didn't even feel it.

I wonder too.

Jessie?! Oh boy, I wonder what happened.

No time for chit-chat then. Let's move.

The cars being checked one-by-one and not being locked immediately seems a bit convenient to me, but maybe I don't know about train security.

Sure thing.

More cars to go.

Seriously Barret, you think they'd check only two cars?

You get some very real time limits in these sections, which is why I am not as thorough as in previous parts and don't talk to everyone.

But I guess we did it?

If I weren't a Final Fantasy character, jumping off a train going at high velocity would be a terrible idea.

But Tifa is a bit scared, it seems. Scary...huh is a really bad way to express it though.

Well no, but I still get a chance to talk a bit.

The "red guard" is Jessie.

I don't find red guards that beautiful though. Meh.

Jessie accepts that easily, apparently.

Top hat guy who I presume is Biggs is in a little corner so if you can talk to him I didn't know. Let's talk to Tifa.

Tifa jumps out.

Barret doesn't jump second.

If you say so then.

Here I goooo-

Obvious Wedge appears and Barret jumps out.

This is just the railway; what could go wrong?

Everybody's model joins Barret's but then the overworld model changes to Cloud again because Cloud leads.

Hmm...If we can't go through the front door, we must find another way.

Barret, you're not getting past those sensors.

Chills sh-. Still, you being a big guy doesn't mean you're not going through here.

Neat! Those things are usually expensive and hardly really worth the price(Although in 5 Ethers are ingredients to make X-Potion mixes. Along with Osmose sucking and not even being available until near the end of the game, they're alright there I guess.)

Let's go then.

Climbing down~♪

New enemies. Some weird fish and a box robot.

Tifa punches things. Note that she, like Sabin, does have weapons and isn't that generous on your money as Monks are.

Okay this is certainly a weird-looking attack.

It inflicts Sleep. That status does exactly what you think it does. It can be removed by attacking the afflicted target with a physical attack.

Enemies' physicals can remove sleep from your party too. And here's a Fire spell. It actually doesn't one-shot the fishes, but that's alright because they don't deal that much damage.

Gotcha Wedge! I'll take the other ladder then.

Weird box robots are one-shot by Bolt, as per usual.

They can hit with Rocket Launcher, which deals a bit of damage.

Okay, now that we have her, let me explain Tifa's Limit Break. As opposed to just choosing the Limit and target like with Cloud and Barret, you are presented with this slot machine when you use the Limit command. Here you only see Hit♥, but the slots also has some Yeah! , which increase the damage of the Limit. It doubles it I believe.

Nothing too impressive really. However, Tifa's Limit Break is not really restricted to Beat Rush. But I would be getting ahead of myself.

Up the other ladder we go.

 

[LN1]

Spoiler: Ep 17: Love makes you make fake ID cards that don't work.

Vents. Who doesn't love vents?

The vents go to this room and Jessie explains what happened.

Ok, so it's kind of strange to think that the one card with most effort put into it was the worst one. Then again, according to Jessie she follows computer instructions for bombs, so maybe the computer made better cards than her?

Anyway, what happened happened. It's time to blow up another reactor.

Neat!

Ok, stop me if you've heard this one. Both stairs...

...lead to the exact same room. Kind of a waste of map resources imo, but I've heard that the heaviest part of this game(data-wise) would be the FMVs, so maybe they could play around a bit with map-making.

Anyway, I guess I can only go forward now.

Just using a Potion here.

Well ok then.

And right next to a Save Point even. Anyway, let's move on.

Lalalalala.

Wheeeee!

More weirdos to fight. And they're palette swaps already.

Beam Gun is meh but Smog inflicts Poison which can hurt quite a bit.

Anyway, that fight wasn't hard, trust me.

Cure is freaking simple, but allow me to demonstrate it since I apparently vouched to demonstrate every spell.

Bam. Note that multi-target spells(from the All Materia or some spells that are just inherently multi-target) deal half the damage(or healing) compared to single-targetting.

Wave, a simple laser attack.

This is nice.

Although regarding that pointless ladder...

...I think mostly copying the first reactor(barring I guess colors and some textures) eased the mapmakers' work quite a bit. I guess Mako Reactors would be pretty standarized, but still it feels kind of lazy to just copy it.

Brown doggos.

As happened in the first bombing, Cloud gets mentally fucked up before setting up Shinra the bomb.

What's this?

I guess there's no frogs in Paris after all.

Well shit...

Yeah...I totally am alright.

Do you happen to know about a Paris?

Eh, nevermind.

Ezpz. No time limit this time though. Hmm...

Brown doggos are mean doggos.

I don't think I'll be saving. But you know what?

I might as well use that Tent.

 

[LN1]

Spoiler: Ep 18: You a busta

Lalalala...

La-dee-la.

Okay, let's get back on business.

Okay then-

Fuck.

It took me like 8 tries to get the timing down. It's weird.

Beh! A Back Attack. Oh well, let's see what this other palette-swapped weirdo is.

Yeah, I think the designers forgot this isn't the first battle of the game.

I saved here. Because a boss is coming up.

Almost gonna make it-

It was too good to be true.

Hmm...

See, I told you guys a boss was coming up. *pause* Ok, alright a boss is coming up, but it's not the boss of the Shinra company.

You're being awfully brave or awfully reckless, Barret.

How could you forget a perfect face like me?

Don't get too hypnotized by looking at my eyes, please.

You know, those things you would see in the sky if there was a sky.

Nah, I don't know amphibians enough for that.

Still though...

Them's more than just some fireworks, I'd say.

Alright president, can we start fighting already?

Why do you get the free pass to escape this fight for dinner?

This can't go over well.

Something is coming our way!

It a busta?

Barret, the robot is right in front of you.

That helicopter's too damn small for anything human.

Okay, we surrounded it. This is good.

At the end of the day it's probably tougher than a MtekArmr enemy.

I don't think this really counts as a him, just saying.

This game has a pretty rocking boss theme. Not gonna lie. Anyway, say hello to arguably the easiest boss in this game. Because you surround Air Buster, you can attack him on the back for quintuple damage(Air Buster is special, as most enemies only take double from back attacks). Air Buster has 400 more HP than Guard Scorpion, but that's not enough compensation so if you do it well you can kill Air Buster with less effort than Guard Scorpion.

But he does seem to like countering back attacks. Sometimes he just shoots with his back gun.

Big Bomber does hurt quite a bit.

Sometimes he counters Back Attacks by turning around and charging head-on. That attack hurt more.

Although I got a Yeah!, Air Buster turned around a bit fast and I didn't get amazing damage. Oh well.

Ok, Tifa's hurt a bit too much for my tastes.

Apparently I caught Barret in a pretty amusing frame of Big Shot.

A boring front attack and back attack.

Trust me that I Yeah!'d that Beat Rush. That's a freaking hell of a lot of damage. I believe the Beat Rush might have crit since I know Limit Breaks can crit.

You may be a machine, but you can count yourself as dead beyond recognition now!

Whoop.

 

[freakworld]

Well, there's always that one cheap insta-kill method that was taken from 6 and made arguably more accessible, but we'll see when I get there.

not sure what youre talking about tbh

Spoiler: not really spoilers but some endgame technical stuff

the only instakill method i know in ff7 is the ultimate weapon overflow glitch where you can deal infinite damage by either making like 10000 kills with vincent's ultimate weapon or equip like 3 kotr materia on barret's ultimate weapon.

Honestly I don't know any way in which vanish/doom or sth similar would work. And if you're talking about Lucky 7's, that only deals ~500,000 damage, which isnt enough to kill emerald weapon

also remind me to catch up with this

 

[LN1]

alright, so you know how in 6 setzer has an insta-win attack that insta-kills all enemies, even those immune to death but requires rng(or much manipulation)? well a character in 7 also has such an attack (that character doesn't come until later so that video is a spoiler for those who care).

Spoiler: Ep 19: I'm just gonna use all default names

I guess killing that robot beyond recognition also destroyed the floor. That was a bad idea in retrospect.

Dying to the easiest boss in the game is probably pretty humiliating.

Okay, so here's the plan. You know how in Chrono Trigger after you beat the Dragon Tank the Chancellor and some soldiers serve as a convenient human bridge for Chrono? So how about we try that? No?

At least Air Buster can die knowing it succeeded where the Dragon Tank didn't.

This is a 3-disc game Barret. There's no way this ends right now.

But I didn't mean for you to be THAT nonchalant!

Also this FMV uses the overworld chibi models for some reason. If this weren't Final Fantasy VII, you can bet that Cloud would suffer from such a fall.

Uh, I guess...

Wait what?

Not even the back then. The hell do you mean by "get by with just skinned knees"?

Huh?

Hold on, I think someone from the real world is talking to me.

But seriously, who the hell are you, grayed out text voice?

Ah well, I guess I'll talk to this real voice then.

Uh....Bless you, good woman! That's what you say at a church, right?

Wait, what? No, I'm dead serious right now. What the fuck is this sentence? I don't care what you think, this dialogue is misleadingly written and I still am confused by it. As far as I can tell a church fell on top of this woman, which is all sorts of wrong, but I'm sure that's not what the scriptwriters were trying to tell. This sentence is just atrocious. As I said, there are some mistakes I find amusing. This one is not right at all though.

This I'm sure is properly translated though. To me it seems that falls in Final Fantasy VII are hardly a big deal, as will be demonstrated some times later.

Yeah sorry. I just happen to have...friends who don't understand me when I tell them to do a Chrono Trigger thing.

Hmm...maybe I should convert...

Don't plants need sun? Doesn't Midgar have like "no sky" as Barret said?

That's nice.

This happened like 14 episodes ago or so.

Yeah yeah, but don't hope that I remember ten years later promises I make now.

Sure. You can never go wrong with Ice and Bolt.

Just whack some monsters and soon you too can buy your very own Ice Materia.

Maybe you just have to level it up? Some Materia don't give you anything you level them up at least once.

Well fair enough then.

I mean, what else is there to do really?

Garden tending isn't quite my favorite hobby *yawn*...

Ok, it only takes like 15 seconds or so for this woman to talk to you.

No no, it's fine. Just know I'm Cloud

Alright, here we go.

Hmm....

Okay, since it was going to come up eventually, let's talk about Aeris. Aeris is the name she has by default in the PS1 version of this game. Aeris's Japanese name is roughly transliterated(or is it another word?) as Earisu or Aerisu. Something like one of those. So Aeris isn't a big stretch when you think about it. However, let's point to another similar name: Sephiroth. In Japanese his name is roughly Sefirosu or something like that. Note how the name we got here isn't Sephiros? So the deal is, Aeris is incorrect regarding her official name. It's Aerith. Supposedly something about how her name has both 'air' and 'earth'. In literally every official appearance she had since...Kingdom Hearts or somewhere around that time, her name has been Aerith. So Aerith is officially correct, and Aeris is technically correct in the sense that the PS1 version and apparently even PC versions have her name like that. It's just that Aeris is an old translation and not official anymore. If you ask me, I personally prefer Aeris but Aerith is fine.