Let me tell you my story

[Sweet Snow]

I am going try to make this neutral, please do not hate the other people in this story, as memory fog clouds everything
Years ago, I was on a Sonic forum, things were swell, I got in a few heated moments of getting tired of the site bashing the franchise if anything, retrospect is that I was a sore loser who made passive aggressive comments when I lost, my memory fog also tries to tell me that I lost due to large numbers instead of logic, but regardless, this bad behavior cost me.
Three years in, I made a role play topic, it was intended to be a peaceful and funny story instead of the Doctor Who bull it became thanks to members not knowing how to do slice of life stories and my bitter side wants me to think this person was just looking for a way to tell his stories without getting bashed in his own topic, as he mention he wanted to make a story where fictional characters put their creators in an "holocaust" due to his favorite character being mistreated by an edge lord anime director, yikes.

I found out that the user was troubled and made a private message to chat with him, he refused to budge from his sadness so I got outside help, the outside help put down rules, but I had no restraint and wanted to make everyone happy and broke those rules, the outside help found out, scolded me and make the private message a group.

One day, I broke down from circumstances in my life and the group made the stress worse, I left after making a scene and they added me back against my will, making passive aggressive rules that made it hard for me to leave without me looking like a bad guy

I started to notice things about the group, they worked as a mob, one member messes up, everybody is against them, they talked about other members behind their backs, especially one girl who wanted attention and was friends with a member they don't like, they had bad tempers, I should know, I engage in all these behaviors because I was young and just wanted to stay friends, I highly regret it

They used my role play against me, I considered my characters my children and they mocked me for that, I wanted to go back to my story of being peaceful and got guilttripped when I complained about it, the group forced me into either rebooting it or canceling it, with my idea of doing a compromise being seen as whiny and self centered, even if I suggested splitting the topic into two so we can both do that ... and they did that anyways and when I rebooted it, no one joined and a member said they were glad it's dead.

I left the group after the admittedly jerk move of bringing up the past that was long gone, I did this after another gang up and I had a suspicion that were talking behind my back and they failed to give an answer to dispell it (They admitted to stalking my Twitter BTW)

Around this time, I started to fell under mental illness, schizophrenia gave me thoughts that I would never do, but do to not knowing what it is, I thought I was turning evil and wanted to die, I self harmed, tried to off myself and berated myself every time I could, not helping I was in an angry unhealthy world where my parents fell for their vices, an *bleep* neighbor mauplateed my family and stalked and harassed me, all our health was failing, due to both illness and hyper empathy, I was in massive pain, I just wanted someone to care about me, I took to half-lies, just to get some sympathy, I was just a confused teenager about to enter my twenties, I wanted to know how things work.

The final straw is that person I tired to help so much said he was better off without me after just wanted to be accepted as a girl after figuring out I was trans, he then made jokes about "traps", I snapped and went off on him, resulting in me getting banned for the first time
I was allowed back but the trauma from the past ended with me getting banned forever, people weren't mad at me, they were worried

See me as you will after this, all I say is get help before you lose everything, in memory of those no longer with us.

All I wonder if my former friends feel any guilt for me as I do for them, I just want closure

 

[winstein]

This is something I've wondered for some time, but I was afraid of asking in case it would drench up unpleasant memories that you would like to leave behind. I can't say I fully understood the situation but I do think that it's great that you bring this up. I am sure that there are some people back in the Sonic forum that felt regret about the situation and would hope you are better, but in any case, it's great that you bring this up.

Thank you for reading.

 

[Koops]

Whatever your past is, my friend, you're what you are now. You have not done anything bad to me, and everyone learns from bad things they did before. Believe me, I speak from experience. I keep making mistakes in what I actually wanna do, but they're never the same mistakes I made in another time. As long as you realize what you're doing, or that you're aknowledging your mistake, or even being conscious about how bad they are, if you do any of those, you qualify as a good person in my book.

No one is perfect. We keep going through the moments of "I should've..." or "Could've". It's all in the past. Use that past to try and avoid its repetition later in the future. Don't dwell on it, but don't forget it. These hurdles shape you. They reveal who you truly are. Even I thought I knew myself until pretty recently, when I thought there was nothing more to me. And yet, look at me, finding out about myself. I'm a guy who likes to make people laugh and laugh with them, and I like talking to people too. But there are just those people who I just seem to be shy around and most of the time I really keep bashing myself over stupid things, even if just jokingly so. I'm not the best person, but I believe I am not being very arrogant by saying I'm in the end just a confused, but a very nice guy who really wants those he cares about to be happy. I mean true, part of that is because I want affection too, but still. And I'm that guy who talks to his own self believing they're my best friend and another person.

Pink Cat, although we haven't interacted much within this community's walls or outside of it, I like ya, you're a good person and it's just nice to see your posts scattered here and there. Everyone has had bad experiences that they may think will change people's views on them, but you had the guts to talk about them. That is one thing I cannot brag about, me most of all people. Don't feel bad about what you've done so long as you're accepting how wrong it is and being determined t not repeat it.

Stay strong.

 

[Shyghoul]

Yo i just wanted to pop in to say massive ass props to you @op for not being afraid to admit you had/have a serious mental illness like schizophrenia. i think it's a really misunderstood condition with alot of negative stigma surrounding it that shouldn't be there, and though we barely if ever even interact I want you to know I don't think any less of you for it and nobody else fuckin should either.

 

[Starlight24]

i read your story and it honestly breaks my heart to know that someone else has be hurting for so long.

I really hope you are or eventually get in a better place, both mentaly and emotionaly. Just so you know, we are supportive of you and feel for you.

It's also very brave that you are willing to openly admit your struggles, that's very important in the process of seeking help and healing if needed.

I know that some don't believe in this but i will actually have you in my thoughts and prayers, sending positive energy in your way ♥ And remember, be who you are and accept yourself, and most importantly keep in mind that the future can always be bright. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

 

[Sweet Snow]

Thanks everyone, abuse doesn't go away so easily, some days if I am in pain or no one is around, I have breakdowns, I really can't tell these are good people, I really can't anymore, what makes this hurt so bad is I been under what I hope is unintended gaslighting, I can't think straight, everything is confusing, memories are blurrs, I have to constantly ask myself if I am a good person or if I have any talents or smarts, I trusted these people and now where I had not interacted with them in years, they control my life
I want to believe people are good, afterall, most of them were teenagers, my life is a wreck due to wanting to help someone who said "you are the problem" in the end