Post-Apocalypse: The Adventure
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I have official sprites.Pokémon Trainer Nate said:EDIT: i made a logo for it (kinda)
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too late nowLakituthequick said:I have official sprites.Pokémon Trainer Nate said:EDIT: i made a logo for it (kinda)
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Where did you find the background?Pokémon Trainer Nate said:too late nowLakituthequick said:I have official sprites.Pokémon Trainer Nate said:EDIT: i made a logo for it (kinda)
Stargatedalek
What do you mean Im late to the fad? Thats my moe!
google images prob 
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Stargatedalek said:google images prob
I couldn't find it there (which keywords?).
Stargatedalek
What do you mean Im late to the fad? Thats my moe!
just search desert and see what comes up...
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- #83
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DesertLakituthequick said:Where did you find the background?Pokémon Trainer Nate said:too late nowLakituthequick said:I have official sprites.Pokémon Trainer Nate said:EDIT: i made a logo for it (kinda)
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*bows*Pokémon Trainer Nate said:
marioman1213
ROSERADE HAS RETURNED! ...As a Bombchu.
I'm not on there.
marioman1213
ROSERADE HAS RETURNED! ...As a Bombchu.
I honestly think you're not gonna put me in the story.
marioman1213
ROSERADE HAS RETURNED! ...As a Bombchu.
*stops nagging*
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I forgot to mention, I've uploaded it to UP to replace yours.Pokémon Trainer Nate said:
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Your Welcome.Pokémon Trainer Nate said:
Mariorules25
Hyaahhh
When is the next chapter coming out?
Zero777
Middle Eastern Federation
Chapter 1:
Right off the bat, without reading, I have to say, you need to break up your paragraphs into smaller chunks. These clumps are overwhelming, I suggest to break it up when dialogue appears. From reading the first few lines, inconsistent flow. Within the flow, the scenes are way too quick with no articulated description, example: "This happen, so we did this, and we then continued."
And that scene with Neptune, WHAT THE *bleep*, seriously like if it was nothing, if this is how the corrupted characters are going to be treated as then it was a waste of your time to ask for sign-ups. That paragraph with Stargate (grammar error in the first sentence and also, random character appearance = not good), what just happened? Seriously, I just got lost in that paragraph. At one point it says that he (or she?) died, and at another point it suggest he/she ran away. Also keep the gender the same for Typhlosion, at one point the pokemon is referred as an "it" and another time it is referred to as a "he", keep to a defined gender. There's not too many, but I found a few spelling errors and typos.
Here are the individual problems I found in Chapter 1:
...what... the.. *bleep*!?!? This is way too random. You can't just have characters go into random "personality spurts" - unless they have some sort of mental illness (like bipolar disorder), but I don't find any evidence of that. It is really way too random and reason is that you are already deep into the story and nobody seems to be shock of Typhlosion's action as if it is normal but nobody told the reader it is and plainly offends the reader.
Not a really good professional way of description, it's rather awkward.
LTQ appearing as a ghost and you don't freak out at all is completely irritating to the reader because you don't let them in on the appropriate info and now they're going to be distracted by baffling questions about the scene.
Grammatical error and logical fallacy.
What? Doesn't make any sense.
Completely random, how does Red knows there's going to be a battle? Also the part with the Greek words on the dagger is yet again random and confusing. I would suggest to combine that and the next sentence and reorder the information in order for it to flow a bit better.
How do you know that? This is rather a head-scratcher.
A dangling participant, who or what is gushing blood?
1. Grammatical error.
2. Unnecessary, it's a tunnel, obviously it's going to have a "roof".
Run-on, two completely different ideas. What's being reflected off of SM25's dagger? And that one part about "...roasting the trio to death." sounds like it already happened.
Don't repeat "area" twice, it's awkward and maybe even confusing for some readers.
What? This sentence makes it sound like this hole is shallower than Typhlosion's height.
Where did Neptune come from? He died earlier; we, the readers, read that he dissolved into sand. Can he regenerate, can he multiply, make duplicates of himself, is he being revived by someone else? The worst part about this is that the gang doesn't react when they see Neptune, react along the lines of "We already killed him! Why or how is he here and alive?!"
Now to the second part, when a character fights another character or group, keep the level of difficulty the same or turn it up a notch, but NEVER turn it down unless for a special reason why. When Neptune attacked, he seemed a bit more difficult than last time, that is totally reasonable maybe he knows what to do now or maybe he has some sort of advantage, but after he took down SM25 and Typhlosion, Red did something simple and killed him like if it was nothing which is rather irritating.
This sentence makes it sound like that Red looked at the map and exited the maze, leaving the others behind.
Well no duh :P , don't offend the reader, they're just barely on the first chapter, it's common sense; let them assume that.
This here is a bad move. Besides the dumb name, don't over-exaggerate obstacles in the story where the possibility of the journey and the capability of the protagonist in the journey ratio is way off. Just try to stay away from the exaggerated for your story unless you truly believe it will benefit the story.
Overall, Yoshiwaker is right, "...it [is] kinda boring and random and even though you tried to have some sorta-intense parts, there was no emotion at all."
And the reasons why it is like that are all those explanations I made above ^
I thank you for reading my review and I hope you are able to put your emotions aside and understand why I am being so nitpicky and understand where I believe improvement can be done so you can do better in making the next chapter, or in revisions.
But for now, Chapter 1:
1.6/7
On a different subject, I don't see my name added to the list, am I in or not?
Also, if you need help making this story, I suggest to go read my post-apocalyptic story, Extinction: Rise of the Mutants, and see if you can get tips off of that, but read only up to Chapter 4 because I am currently revising the chapters after that one.
Right off the bat, without reading, I have to say, you need to break up your paragraphs into smaller chunks. These clumps are overwhelming, I suggest to break it up when dialogue appears. From reading the first few lines, inconsistent flow. Within the flow, the scenes are way too quick with no articulated description, example: "This happen, so we did this, and we then continued."
And that scene with Neptune, WHAT THE *bleep*, seriously like if it was nothing, if this is how the corrupted characters are going to be treated as then it was a waste of your time to ask for sign-ups. That paragraph with Stargate (grammar error in the first sentence and also, random character appearance = not good), what just happened? Seriously, I just got lost in that paragraph. At one point it says that he (or she?) died, and at another point it suggest he/she ran away. Also keep the gender the same for Typhlosion, at one point the pokemon is referred as an "it" and another time it is referred to as a "he", keep to a defined gender. There's not too many, but I found a few spelling errors and typos.
Here are the individual problems I found in Chapter 1:
...what... the.. *bleep*!?!? This is way too random. You can't just have characters go into random "personality spurts" - unless they have some sort of mental illness (like bipolar disorder), but I don't find any evidence of that. It is really way too random and reason is that you are already deep into the story and nobody seems to be shock of Typhlosion's action as if it is normal but nobody told the reader it is and plainly offends the reader.
Not a really good professional way of description, it's rather awkward.
LTQ appearing as a ghost and you don't freak out at all is completely irritating to the reader because you don't let them in on the appropriate info and now they're going to be distracted by baffling questions about the scene.
Grammatical error and logical fallacy.
What? Doesn't make any sense.
Completely random, how does Red knows there's going to be a battle? Also the part with the Greek words on the dagger is yet again random and confusing. I would suggest to combine that and the next sentence and reorder the information in order for it to flow a bit better.
How do you know that? This is rather a head-scratcher.
A dangling participant, who or what is gushing blood?
1. Grammatical error.
2. Unnecessary, it's a tunnel, obviously it's going to have a "roof".
Run-on, two completely different ideas. What's being reflected off of SM25's dagger? And that one part about "...roasting the trio to death." sounds like it already happened.
Don't repeat "area" twice, it's awkward and maybe even confusing for some readers.
What? This sentence makes it sound like this hole is shallower than Typhlosion's height.
Where did Neptune come from? He died earlier; we, the readers, read that he dissolved into sand. Can he regenerate, can he multiply, make duplicates of himself, is he being revived by someone else? The worst part about this is that the gang doesn't react when they see Neptune, react along the lines of "We already killed him! Why or how is he here and alive?!"
Now to the second part, when a character fights another character or group, keep the level of difficulty the same or turn it up a notch, but NEVER turn it down unless for a special reason why. When Neptune attacked, he seemed a bit more difficult than last time, that is totally reasonable maybe he knows what to do now or maybe he has some sort of advantage, but after he took down SM25 and Typhlosion, Red did something simple and killed him like if it was nothing which is rather irritating.
This sentence makes it sound like that Red looked at the map and exited the maze, leaving the others behind.
Well no duh :P , don't offend the reader, they're just barely on the first chapter, it's common sense; let them assume that.
This here is a bad move. Besides the dumb name, don't over-exaggerate obstacles in the story where the possibility of the journey and the capability of the protagonist in the journey ratio is way off. Just try to stay away from the exaggerated for your story unless you truly believe it will benefit the story.
Overall, Yoshiwaker is right, "...it [is] kinda boring and random and even though you tried to have some sorta-intense parts, there was no emotion at all."
And the reasons why it is like that are all those explanations I made above ^
I thank you for reading my review and I hope you are able to put your emotions aside and understand why I am being so nitpicky and understand where I believe improvement can be done so you can do better in making the next chapter, or in revisions.
But for now, Chapter 1:
1.6/7
On a different subject, I don't see my name added to the list, am I in or not?
Also, if you need help making this story, I suggest to go read my post-apocalyptic story, Extinction: Rise of the Mutants, and see if you can get tips off of that, but read only up to Chapter 4 because I am currently revising the chapters after that one.
Yoshiwaker
Star Spirit
I think you should just not say thisDalque said:
it's pretty lame