Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (Case 2 Chapter 5 is up)
- Thread starter Lily x
- Start date
Lily x
Goodbye
- Thread starter
- #277
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (Case 2 has started. Read the prolouge!)
I have been a bit lazy with this due to exams, but I am still doing this but it will go much slower. After I have done the rest of this months exams, I should be able to speed up the release of chapters again.
I have been a bit lazy with this due to exams, but I am still doing this but it will go much slower. After I have done the rest of this months exams, I should be able to speed up the release of chapters again.
Lily x
Goodbye
- Thread starter
- #278
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (Case 2 has started. Read the prolouge!)
Finished Chapter 4, not much action but I am rather satisfied with the chapter all the same as I found it nice to write. Also Toad appears.
http://wiki.userpedia.net/Lily_Troof:_Ace_Attorney-_The_Classified_Turnabout:_Chapter_4
Finished Chapter 4, not much action but I am rather satisfied with the chapter all the same as I found it nice to write. Also Toad appears.
http://wiki.userpedia.net/Lily_Troof:_Ace_Attorney-_The_Classified_Turnabout:_Chapter_4
- Pronouns
- He/him
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (Case 2 has started. Read the prolouge!)
Hmm, I felt the same nervousness as Lily did...
That means that you do a good job on your writing
Hmm, I felt the same nervousness as Lily did...
That means that you do a good job on your writing
Revin
Ace Captain
- MarioWiki
- Reverse Input
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (Case 2 Chapter 4 is up)
pretty good.
pretty good.
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (Case 2 Chapter 4 is up)
I haven't read chapter 3 yet, I will when I get back on my phone.
I haven't read chapter 3 yet, I will when I get back on my phone.
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (Case 2 Chapter 4 is up)
Anyways, read chapters 3 and 4, and they're pretty good.
I'm assuming she meant the bathroom. Some people, in a rush, fix their makeup in front of a mirror before an event.Mikan Tsumiki said:
Anyways, read chapters 3 and 4, and they're pretty good.
- Pronouns
- He/him
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (Case 2 Chapter 4 is up)
When I hear "bathroom", I think of the room where one can take a bath or shower.
When I hear "toilet", I think of the place to discharge.
When I hear "bathroom", I think of the room where one can take a bath or shower.
When I hear "toilet", I think of the place to discharge.
My condolences.Nagito Komaeda said:
Lily x
Goodbye
- Thread starter
- #290
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (Case 2 Chapter 4 is up)
Managed to finish it today, I'm not so sure on this chapter but w/e. It is speech heavy and the start of the courtoom drama, enjoy.
http://wiki.userpedia.net/Lily_Troof:_Ace_Attorney-_The_Classified_Turnabout:_Chapter_5
Managed to finish it today, I'm not so sure on this chapter but w/e. It is speech heavy and the start of the courtoom drama, enjoy.
http://wiki.userpedia.net/Lily_Troof:_Ace_Attorney-_The_Classified_Turnabout:_Chapter_5
Revin
Ace Captain
- MarioWiki
- Reverse Input
something is telling me i'm going to end up being the murderer
- Pronouns
- He/him
I'm surprised Cirdec has such a short testimony.
Contra(dictory)
also I hang out here, I guess
So, I just started reading this.
I'll be completely honest with you: after Starla and our assorted arguments, I didn't think I would enjoy this much. I was sure that the review I'm typing now would've required me to cut out a lot of insults and try to sugarcoat my criticisms as much as possible, but...
Fortunately, that is not the case.
I haven't passed the first chapter yet- but I'm already very impressed. You've improved significantly in such a short time- I can't point out any errors made in your writing thus far, and you did a very good job at setting your scene with the descriptions and dialogue, though I must question the necessity of the trenchcoat-fedora getup. I mean, come on, people dressed in that is more conspicuous than anything nowadays- you should've thought up another disguise or just had it where he's wearing a hood and the face isn't visible. The dialogue has the occasional flaw, but usually it flows pretty naturally- kudos.
That aside, I have to applaud how you've handled the characters and signups. My favorite bit is how you've adapted people's usernames to their in-story titles- BMB to Benjamin-Matthew Bones was excellently handled, and while I do have...reservations against author avatars as main characters, Lily Troof doesn't seem like a crazy prodigy so much as a character, and it's clear that you haven't gone ego-crazy here, despite the premise.
Your first-person narration can be...rambly, at times, though. To fix that, I'd recommend italicizing your thoughts and trying to keep them separate from your descriptions of the scenes.
I'll be catching up. So far, it looks like I'm in for a ride.
Prologue, Chapter One
Rating - 8
I'll be completely honest with you: after Starla and our assorted arguments, I didn't think I would enjoy this much. I was sure that the review I'm typing now would've required me to cut out a lot of insults and try to sugarcoat my criticisms as much as possible, but...
Fortunately, that is not the case.
I haven't passed the first chapter yet- but I'm already very impressed. You've improved significantly in such a short time- I can't point out any errors made in your writing thus far, and you did a very good job at setting your scene with the descriptions and dialogue, though I must question the necessity of the trenchcoat-fedora getup. I mean, come on, people dressed in that is more conspicuous than anything nowadays- you should've thought up another disguise or just had it where he's wearing a hood and the face isn't visible. The dialogue has the occasional flaw, but usually it flows pretty naturally- kudos.
That aside, I have to applaud how you've handled the characters and signups. My favorite bit is how you've adapted people's usernames to their in-story titles- BMB to Benjamin-Matthew Bones was excellently handled, and while I do have...reservations against author avatars as main characters, Lily Troof doesn't seem like a crazy prodigy so much as a character, and it's clear that you haven't gone ego-crazy here, despite the premise.
Your first-person narration can be...rambly, at times, though. To fix that, I'd recommend italicizing your thoughts and trying to keep them separate from your descriptions of the scenes.
I'll be catching up. So far, it looks like I'm in for a ride.
Prologue, Chapter One
Rating - 8
Lily sent me a PM about this and passed out over your comment Tabuu.
I'll eventually get one of those moments of you for me. :P
I'll eventually get one of those moments of you for me. :P
Contra(dictory)
also I hang out here, I guess
And...I finished Case 1!
I noticed a few harmless typos throughout the story, but for the most part there were no glaring errors and you've been doing a good job with with your dialogue and descriptions as before, minus a few minor slip-ups. My praise still stands, but there is kind of an elephant in the room I have to address...
The FireEevee reveal.
Yes, I know this is Userpedia. But at the beginning of the story, you said that it took place in the United States, and you didn't bother to mention that things like Anthropomorphic Pokemon existed in your story's universe. While him being a big, walking furry explained the silly trenchcoat getup and helped tie up a motive to the case, I feel like your world-building could've been done better so that his reveal wasn't such a "what the fuck" moment.
Regardless, that's really the only major error to make note of. The rest is basic polishing, and with experience, you'll pick that up on your own.
Case 1: Turnabout Meet Up
Rating - 8.5
I noticed a few harmless typos throughout the story, but for the most part there were no glaring errors and you've been doing a good job with with your dialogue and descriptions as before, minus a few minor slip-ups. My praise still stands, but there is kind of an elephant in the room I have to address...
The FireEevee reveal.
Yes, I know this is Userpedia. But at the beginning of the story, you said that it took place in the United States, and you didn't bother to mention that things like Anthropomorphic Pokemon existed in your story's universe. While him being a big, walking furry explained the silly trenchcoat getup and helped tie up a motive to the case, I feel like your world-building could've been done better so that his reveal wasn't such a "what the fuck" moment.
Regardless, that's really the only major error to make note of. The rest is basic polishing, and with experience, you'll pick that up on your own.
Case 1: Turnabout Meet Up
Rating - 8.5
You earned it.Phantom L said:
If you listened to the revised criticisms I gave the last time we butted heads, you'll probably be getting yours soon.Xerneas said:
I'll be checking out your latest work eventually.
GalacticPetey
Donkey Kong
I have to agree with Tabuu about FireEevee's character.
Contra(dictory)
also I hang out here, I guess
Now I'm completely caught up.
This is still a good story- but I feel as if you're beginning to rush its progression too much.
Slow down a little. Give your character more time to think, let the reader pick up some more information so that whatever the conclusion is doesn't seem to come completely out of left field. More importantly, the dialogue is starting to trip up some more- while I really like the direction the plot has taken, you need to take more time with the words the characters say. Whenever writing dialogue, stop and think- would somebody actually say this?
Say it to yourself if you have to. Stilted dialogue is no good.
Case 2, Chapters 1-5
Score - 7
This is still a good story- but I feel as if you're beginning to rush its progression too much.
Slow down a little. Give your character more time to think, let the reader pick up some more information so that whatever the conclusion is doesn't seem to come completely out of left field. More importantly, the dialogue is starting to trip up some more- while I really like the direction the plot has taken, you need to take more time with the words the characters say. Whenever writing dialogue, stop and think- would somebody actually say this?
Say it to yourself if you have to. Stilted dialogue is no good.
Case 2, Chapters 1-5
Score - 7