P-132 | EPISODE FOUR IS OUT

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Re: P-132 | Hiatus over! Tuck helps me write this now!

Contra(dictory) said:
does anyone still care about this

part of the reason this is never updated is because nobody seems to particularly care enough to give me feedback when I release an update
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i'm trying to follow, but i've mostly been trying to catch up on the prior iterations.

if they're not required reading, i'd be happy to skip ahead, follow the current plot, and provide feedback on that.
 
Re: P-132 | Uncertain status- should I keep writing?

Cheesy said:
Contra(dictory) said:
does anyone still care about this

part of the reason this is never updated is because nobody seems to particularly care enough to give me feedback when I release an update
Click to expand...

i'm trying to follow, but i've mostly been trying to catch up on the prior iterations.

if they're not required reading, i'd be happy to skip ahead, follow the current plot, and provide feedback on that.
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they aren't required reading at all, no
 
Re: P-132 | CHAPTER FIVE IS UP

Javelin said:
is there any way to write nalia other than "wants to kill tabuu"

i'm curious
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nalia doesn't know how to socialize or make friends

attempted murder is just his way of breaking the ice
 
Re: P-132 | CHAPTER FIVE IS UP

Was Nalia's middle name always Hector? Dunno if I'm just forgetting or if that's new... Anyway, always good to see him. And Javelin's appearing earlier than in the last version of the story, so that's good too, although that conversation's dialogue seemed a little forced tbh. Also, lighting rods attract lightning, not discharge it, so the "human lightning rod" metaphor or whatever wasn't perfect, but other than that, no complaints. Continuation is always preferable to a dead fic.
 
Re: P-132 | EPISODE ONE IS OUT

You guys are gonna hate me for this one.

I changed a lot of formatting- no more chapters, things are longer episodes now.

Speaking of episodes, I released Episode 1.

Finally a Tabuu introduction sequence I don't utterly hate.

Please read, review and give me your feedback. Shit took some work, ya know?
 
Re: P-132 | EPISODE ONE IS OUT

Certainly different from past episode/chapter 1s (at first, anyway); the Royal Guard's getting more lip service early, too, so that's promising.

Nit picking: "you seemed rather eager to take that out of my hands." is awkward phrasing, and the "what changed?" should come after it's said Nalia's turned away to keep the narration linear (since the "Blinked." is when he started turning, I'm assuming, but it's much easier to follow up "I said, then paused." with him turning away, then the Q, then he pauses). Some of the later conversations seemed a bit forced too, but w/e. The pacing's good, and I didn't notice any typos n' things.

Also, as long as one parent has dark eyes and dark hair, it'd be quite possible to have very different-looking kids: just means there's recessive genes in the dark-haired/dark-eyed parent(s). It's when you have two blue-eyed blonde parents diving rise to a dark-eyed/dark-haired kid that you go "hmmmm". And body type is highly variable too (my mom's side of the family is all over the map, for example). Just so ya know.
 
Re: P-132 | EPISODE ONE IS OUT

I released episode 2 as well, but if you read the original chapters 2 and 4 it's basically the same thing. Episodes 3 and onward will be completely new, though, and I've started work on them now.

Walkazo said:
*genetics stuff*
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walk pls
 
Re: P-132 | EPISODE ONE IS OUT

Still interesting like the first time around, but I feel like it'd be better if more time passed between Max meeting and agreeing to help the others trespass outside the valley - friendships can easily start over one shared experience, but they still need time to strengthen into something you'd willing to risk worldwide political stability over. Even Cobold blurting out how they lived outside the valley was pretty out of the blue. I.e. I'd just have the dance scene, and then say some time passed as they hung out more, and then Cecil's report scene and their request, at which point the narration would just say that they talked about it before from time to time and Max knew it was important to them - hence he's willing to do it.
 
Re: P-132 | EPISODE ONE IS OUT

Walkazo said:
Still interesting like the first time around, but I feel like it'd be better if more time passed between Max meeting and agreeing to help the others trespass outside the valley - friendships can easily start over one shared experience, but they still need time to strengthen into something you'd willing to risk worldwide political stability over. Even Cobold blurting out how they lived outside the valley was pretty out of the blue. I.e. I'd just have the dance scene, and then say some time passed as they hung out more, and then Cecil's report scene and their request, at which point the narration would just say that they talked about it before from time to time and Max knew it was important to them - hence he's willing to do it.
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Good point. The pacing was a little bit easier to ignore (because originally there was a chapter from a whole other timeline between the two main parts of this episode) before, but with the two combined into one it becomes harder to swallow that Max is totally willing to help out these guys he just met.

In any case, I'm going to focus on making more progress before I start making more edits. Obsessively going back and changing everything has been really damaging my inspiration, and I'd like to try to get a little more done first.
 
Re: P-132 | EPISODE ONE IS OUT

Fair enough, although I often find that if I don't fix things fast, I never fix them.
 
Re: P-132 | EPISODE THREE IS OUT

Woo, Steve. His depiction (and role) here reminds me of Gass from Munto - until he sneered "Shut up, nerd!" and suddenly seemed much younger than I had initially pictured him, lol. Much foreboding about Max & Co.'s trip... Kinda surprised Chris gave up SO easily. I wonder if Stooben is gonna bite it sooner than later this time out...

"Stane died training me," - implies he died due to the training, not just while training was in-progress, which I don't think was your intention?
"shake the pain out of my free arm." - sounds like one arm's always free, when really he'd be alternating arms he shakes out, but that's starting to get tedious to narrate and I generally feel that if details like that can't be said succinctly, it's easier to just leave them out
"as it polished." - "as IF polished"
"silver blades without a handle" - do you mean "without crossguards"? Because it's kinda hard holding onto nothing but blade: they're awkwardly shaped and rather finger-slicey
 
Re: P-132 | EPISODE THREE IS OUT

"Stane died training me," - implies he died due to the training, not just while training was in-progress, which I don't think was your intention?

(he did)

"shake the pain out of my free arm." - sounds like one arm's always free, when really he'd be alternating arms he shakes out, but that's starting to get tedious to narrate and I generally feel that if details like that can't be said succinctly, it's easier to just leave them out

Yeah, you're right.

"as it polished." - "as IF polished"

DAMMIT ME

"silver blades without a handle" - do you mean "without crossguards"? Because it's kinda hard holding onto nothing but blade: they're awkwardly shaped and rather finger-slicey

Oh no, he is legitimately holding blades he conjures. They don't have handles or anything.
 
Re: P-132 | EPISODE THREE IS OUT

Stane dying due to training and Ruin holding the blades directly aren't really things that should be mentioned in passing, in that case. Like, leave the Stane part ambiguous until it comes time to actually talk about how something went terribly wrong or whatever and how that adds to the angst and all that jazz, and emphasize right off the bat that Ruin's holding onto the cutting-edged blades without issues (and either way, it'd be "without handles", not "without a handle", as there's two swords).
 
Cool chapter, although I feel like Chris should have had at least a moment of "say whaaaa?" after Cyria's like "dude, I am your father" - jumping straight to “You son of a bitch.” was a bit jarring. Also, Cyria's “I am one of those responsible for the death of the first King of Trine, Maximilian Cynd.” was rather tortured: I know the goal was to have a dramatic one-liner before the cut, but it was too wordy to be effective imo, especially considering that Chris could have been asking anything, so there's no real reason why Cyria should even assume he was about to ask about that one very specific thing out of all the many staggering things the Great Beasts are or did (personally, I would have guessed he was gonna ask something along the lines of "so you're really some big fucking wolf god? Are you fucking kidding me? You're fucking insane!" (give or take some profanity ;p )). Stooben being a hybrid yet not a chimera is also kinda weird to me.

But yeah, otherwise I liked the chapter. No typos to note, and the fight scene was cool, what with Steve popping up to save the day and then Cobold also getting a chance to save everyone's asses - although if he has air powers, why did they have to climb up the cliff, lol (To remain incognito, maybe?)
 
Cool chapter, although I feel like Chris should have had at least a moment of "say whaaaa?" after Cyria's like "dude, I am your father" - jumping straight to “You son of a bitch.” was a bit jarring.

Well, he did notice the uncanny resemblance before he said anything, so it wasn't that much of a shock. I'll see what I can do about that.

Also, Cyria's “I am one of those responsible for the death of the first King of Trine, Maximilian Cynd.” was rather tortured: I know the goal was to have a dramatic one-liner before the cut, but it was too wordy to be effective imo, especially considering that Chris could have been asking anything, so there's no real reason why Cyria should even assume he was about to ask about that one very specific thing out of all the many staggering things the Great Beasts are or did (personally, I would have guessed he was gonna ask something along the lines of "so you're really some big fucking wolf god? Are you fucking kidding me? You're fucking insane!" (give or take some profanity ;p )).

Good point. I originally had the line as "I am the one responsible for the death of Maximilian Cynd", then "one of the ones" (since he didn't do it alone), then adding "the first King of Trine", in case someone had somehow forgot the relevance of Max Senior. I'd like to keep that line for the sake of dramatic irony to line up with Max's story- any ideas on how to fix it?

Stooben being a hybrid yet not a chimera is also kinda weird to me.

I didn't want to redo the "YOUR MOTHER WAS A CRAY-CRAY BITCH" storyline, especially since that was originally there to tie into Pride, who won't be returning this time around. Having the two be blood brothers this time around seemed more appropriate for reasons that will be more apparent further down the line.

(Note that Stooben's basically 100% Lockheart- he's a prodigy even by the family's already high standards.)

But yeah, otherwise I liked the chapter. No typos to note, and the fight scene was cool, what with Steve popping up to save the day and then Cobold also getting a chance to save everyone's asses - although if he has air powers, why did they have to climb up the cliff, lol (To remain incognito, maybe?)

Cobold's powers are underdeveloped, so actual flight and offensive capabilities aren't yet within his range. I don't think telling you this is a big spoiler, but it won't be that way for long- in Cobold's prime, the man is capable of quite a lot more.

like i said on skype i give this one 'MY DADS NOT A WOLF/10'

I wish I'd kept this story element.
 
Actually, I thought that stuff was heavy-handed too: like, the first line about him having a face and hair like Stooben was fine, but later saying "He made Patrick’s apologetic face," is a bit too far: stick to stuff more like "he grimaced in apology, and once again, I was weirdly reminded of Stooben" rather than concrete assertions (it's subtle, but the devil's in the details). I actually wasn't sold on the eye thing either: "he has my eyes, except they're different colour" - then he doesn't really have your eyes now does he? I didn't mention it before because I wasn't sure if my complete inability to see family resemblances between myself and my parents (least of all with eye stuff) was biasing me, but it's still not sitting right... Either way, Chris is still not expecting the guy to turn out to be his dad, so even if he noticed the similarities, it'd just be weird coincidences to him, maybe increasingly unsettling the more he notices, but still, once the bombshell was dropped, it'd take at least a moment for everything to click together and make him realize that yes, it is fo' sho' his dad.

Maybe have a bit more Q&A before the important point. "You're a wolf?" "yes. a wolf god, but I can take human form" "so you like, were part of the wars... and..." "if you're asking about the King Max I, then yes, I was one of the ones that killed him" (dun dun dunnnn) Then later, after the initial shock's sunk in more, Chris can ask for more details about how he can be a wolf and a dude and his dad, and whatever other full story stuff you have planned.

Having kids by two different fathers doesn't make her crazy. Maybe her first husband died when she was pregnant with Stooben and she met Cyria and fell in love or whatever and had Chris with him (I have an aunt and uncle like that, only they never had kids together: only her daughter by another man, but my uncle is whole-heartedly my cousin's "dad"). Well, genetically, he's 50% Lockheard, 50% wolf god, although I guess his powers are 100% his mother's side while Tabuu has his father's side.
 
I meant the same eye shape, but I'll go back and fix the heavy-handed physical descriptions and extend the Q&A a bit more so the execution won't be as bad.

Having kids by two different fathers doesn't make her crazy.

no no no, I'm referring to the previous version of Chris' mother, Michelle Lockheart

you may not recall, but in P132 she descended too far into her mind's Dark Tower, which resulted in her going completely batshit and murdering a whole bunch of people, to the point where Stane and the Royal Guard did all they could to remove her name and memory of her actions from history

in P132, she was Stooben's sister, because he was the uncle back then

this was for some drama in Part 2 and also to serve as a link to Pride when he would have become more relevant in the later stages of the story, but this plot is rendered unnecessary now that Pride isn't going to be an element anyways

Well, genetically, he's 50% Lockheart, 50% wolf god, although I guess his powers are 100% his mother's side while Tabuu has his father's side.

and yeah, Stooben taking his power fully from his mother while Tabuu takes his completely from his father is what I meant to say
 
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