Mario versus FanFiction (lotsa images warning)

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-2 - Bridge Blues

Well, I am in search of these stupid macguffin things and it's really dumb so far, but since you kinda look like me a bit, maybe you could do all that stuff inste--

Goddamnit, Tippi!

"I bet I can bounce you across on my manly pecs."

I'm not sure I can give that name a passing grade.

This is actually really dumb, so pay attention to that. As we are soon going to find out, the people of this town we're about to visit all believe in some local superstition about the legendary hero who is going to come to their town. The one distinguishing feature they know the hero to have is that he can flip dimensions.

Red is a citizen of the town and he has SEEN ME FLIP DIMENSIONS! He should have immediately recognized me as the hero and let me through.

Instead we have to do this tomfoolery.

Ok, so hear Mario's logic. The most objectively manly thing possible is me, naked, running around on star power. Now, star power makes you flash all the colors of the rainbow, which includes both red and green.

Therefore, the correct answer is "both".

But as we have established: This guy is an idiot and thus does not understand logic.

*sigh*

Welcome to Yold Town.

I suggest you play nice if you wish to get any yolder.

 

[freakworld]

 

[SiFi]

Should have trapped him in the other dimension again.

 

[LeftyGreenMario]

What transparent thing?

That black line thing that you called a violation of Mushroom Kingdom safety regulation or something.

 

[Lin Beifong]

Oh, that.

Yeah idk, it's just a bunch of random lines. They're taking the name "Lineland" all the way it seems.

Spoiler: Chapter 1-2 - Yold plumber, new tricks

All right, it's time to meet the people of Mold Town.

Yeah, this is what I was talking about. It took this random woman a second to recognize me as the hero, yet the guard who is specifically trained for that sort of thing had no clue. Idiot doesn't deserve those clothes he's wearing.

Lay 'em on me.

Ok, I find that flipping randomly usually GETS you into trouble, but ok.

Hmm... ok. I shall remember that one.

"In fact, if you flip right now you would see that this dress I'm wearing doesn't have a backside *wink wink*"

...Okay. Moving on.

That he does. It's not as impressive as you think though.

Well, he finds things, but so far they have yet to be interesting.

I don't know, they kinda look like chocolate. Chocolate is pretty neat.

Well ok, I would have probably looked behind those anyway, but I guess thanks for the hint.

Wait... WHAT??

Can this really be used to...

Oh... my... god...

...

Please excuse me for a while.

Ok, this is still here.

Ok, perfect.

Now here we go...

...and...

...

...FLIP!!!

YES! YESSSS!!!!

Hail to the plumber, baby! Game DONE!

You're damn right I did!

Wait a minute, who...

...

Who... said that?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

...well shit.

 

[Shy Guy Forever]

mario looks like he's having a fucking sezure or something

 

[Mintiously]

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-2 - Town of Heroes

Well no, so far I didn't really feel the need to. The game's shitting out mushrooms at me like I'm Super Mario or something.

Ok, I'll give him a visit if it pleases you.

Oh hello there! I think I've met someone in Flipside who was in the same explosion that mangled your body.

I don't know, I have coins now, but I still don't feel inclined to buy any of these items. Like, the combat so far has been so understated and simplistic, I don't feel like I need these items to deal with enemies.

Maybe I will regret that later? I don't know. I'm probably going to buy at least a Life Shroom at some point. But right now I'd rather hang on to the coins in case there's something super awesome I can do with them later.

Ok, will do.

No secret whatsoever. Not even a pile of dirty laundry. Disappointing.

Also, the game has established that people think and perceive in 2D. Why are there decorations on walls they should not even be aware of?

I see another trading card up there. It's probably an ultra-rare too! Damnit, I can't reach.

But clever Mario has a solution!

They don't just call me Jumpman cause my checks tend to bounce.

I always got a spring in my step!

...the hell is a Boomboxer? Is it those kids from next door playing their crappy music all day? Why do they have trading cards?

...

Why don't I have trading cards???

It's good to know this town has one singular purpose, and no other reason to exist.

I wonder if there's some sort of underground society here that brainwashes citizens and purges all thoughts from them not related to "the hero".

Well kiddo, I hate to break it to you, but I am the hero, and you people aren't really putting forth a convincing reason for me to ever come back to this place once I'm done with it.

Actually, I love breaking that to you. Your town bores me!

"Hey Sonic, I think we're about to pass a place called Yold Town. Should we go there?"

"No way, that place is lame! Why would we ever go there?"

"Because we're Sonic Heroes?"

"...shut up, Tails."

Oh no, not another one of these douchebags!

No, I just came here for your charming dialogue, you talking brick wall.

I'm sure I qualify as some sort of ambassador from the Mushroom Kingdom. Can't you make an exception?

But who watches the watchitt?

Ok fine, I'll go see the guy.

I assume this is that whatshit fellow then.

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-2 - Throws of death

Well, I can probably guess what this guy's gimmick is.

If you don't want people to walk on your rug, don't spread it out on the floor, pal. Easy as that.

"Pass through town? But did you know this place is called Impasse Pass?"

Yes, so we have heard.

"What? Shit!"

I already made that joke last part.

"Hey, WATCH IT!"

Please do not talk about my grunders, sir.

Ok, you just told me this town's purpose is literally to impede my progress and waste my time. That's tremendous.

NO! NO I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOUR LITTLE GUY!

WHY IS EVERY OLD PERSON IN THIS GAME A PERVERT!?

Put it away, please!

Very begrudgingly so.

Yes. The entirety of this town exists solely for the purpose of aiding the hero. All of your life has literally been leading up to this exaxt moment.

"Dumplings!" sure is a reaction to that sort of thing.

Yes, you want me to bring you a hand. For your little guy no doubt. Mario can see where this is going.

You know, I have a Pixl right here, actually. I mean, true, she's not quite shaped like a hand, but--

"Don't you dare bring me into this, Mario!"

Yeah, ok.

I found a hidden pipe behind this whatchamacallit.

Whatchamacallit...

Watch-amacall-it...

Watch it...

GODDAMNIT, IT'S IN MY HEAD NOW!

Ugh, happy thoughts, happy thoughts...

Looks like a bunch of thwomps are here. I'll need good timing to pass.

That's good. A platforming challenge is exactly what I need to get my mind off of annoying NPCs.

...or I can just flip again and solve all my problems that way.

I do love self-defeating level design.

I found a suspiciously empty room.

But I remember the hint that was given me: If something is suspicious, flip!

...except in this case, flipping actually does a flipping heap of nothing.

You actually have to use Tippi to find a hidden door. This actually kinda stumped me at first because I completely forgot this was a thing.

Uh-oh spaghettio! Trapped forever now.

Can't reach the switch. Guess I'll have to abandon the quest for the Pure Hearts.

Nah, I think I have learned by now that the game won't let me take the easy way out.

Might as well just look what's inside this chest.

Apparently sweet freedom?

Ok, this is a Pixl. Pixls are kind of like the partners of this game, except they aren't actually acknowledged by other characters most of the time and they hardly ever talk outside of their establishing scene. So basically they are nothing like partners at all.

Your safest bet would probably be to classify them as talking abilities.

Well that wasn't very nice of them.

Did you leave a bad review on one of their fanfics or something?

"Yeah, I gave it a thumbs-down!"

Good man.

Yes. Now for extending my hand in friendship, you could give me a hand in return.

This is actually kind of confusing. So far Tippi has been the only one to talk in rainbow textboxes, so whenever Th... what's his name again? Lets call him Throwey. So whenever Throwey talks, I think it's Tippi at first.

Yes, Throwey.

Why doesn't this guy recognize you?

Tippi...

Are you one of those cheap knock-off products from Sarasaland?

Well you're not the one who's gonna be in deep shit when his exposition fairy breaks due to shoddy craftsmanship.

Yes, I know a person who has the perfect job for a hand like you.

You will surely come in handy.

But don't expect any hand-outs from me. I already have my hands full with this quest.

Well, back to the task at hand.

1 is for Mario.

Anyway, with my new ability, I can reach out and grab all sorts of things from afar.

...to be honest I am not sure if I would want someone like Watchitt to have this ability. I think I'll hang on to this guy.

It also allows me to pick things up, which really is a thing I should already be able to do, but then again some of my colleagues can't do this either without some magical bling or something. So whatever I guess.

Come on and slam!

All right, I unstuckified that door!

I am like, SO PUMPED to continue the search for the Pure Heart!

Maybe if I tell myself hard enough, it will become true.

You shouldn't praise the day before the harvest, Throwey.

 

[Lord Bowser]

oh my god these are amazing

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-2 - With friends like these

Yeah, we went over that already.

It is impossible to use "watch it" in that context. If you don't zippitt I will snatchitt, and rippitt til you lositt!

Talking about your head, by the way!

I will walk that bridge and never look back.

It's like the tale of that greek dude who went to the underworld and back. I feel like I'm in some sort of hell right now too.

I've heard people praise the writing of this game.

Yeah.

God...

If I ever become mayor of my own town, and it gets to the point where I'm this annoying, I hope someone will strike me down.

Yes. Retirement actually sounds nice right about now.

Let me give you a hand with that, since you asked for it and all!

Whoop!

Aaaand turns out I can force-choke people now...

...

...sweet!

All right, so after this migraine is over, let's head to the next one, shall we?

...still very, very reluctantly.

To be honest I am beginning to wonder if this apocalypse is really such a bad idea. I mean, I stopped Bowser in the first Paper Mario because there were people I liked. I fought the Shadow Queen in TTYD because there were people worth saving. This time... I have yet to meet a character who I genuinely like, someone I would want to bother doing all this work for. And all these Bestoviusses and Watchitts are not doing a good job at being that person.

This is really something that game designers need to learn, especially if they're making an RPG. There need to be people you can form an attachment to. A reason to go find the macguffins and do all that tedious work to save the world.

So far, the most likable character I've met here is Tippi, and I'd describe our relationship as lukewarm at best.

"Also, are you ok? Like you were kinda just spacing out there for a while and mumbling about characters, and likability, and game design."

Uh... yeah, I do that sometimes. Must be the mushrooms.

This bridge looks fancier than the other one. Maybe this guy is more competent than the Red guy.

Are you the friend I am looking for?

My shining beacon of hope?

Are you... likable?

*sigh*

We've reached the end of the segment and are leaving Yold Town behind us.

Here's hoping the next section will be more interesting.

..Except it's a desert. So wahey.

This screen is still a lie, btw.

See you guys in 1-3.

 

[SiFi]

I was wondering why you chose Sarasaland as a go-to place for the source of knockoff products, but then I remembered in our world it's China and Sarasaland is home to the Chai Kingdom so it makes sense now.

 

[DragonFreak]

I was wondering why you chose Sarasaland as a go-to place for the source of knockoff products, but then I remembered in our world it's China and Sarasaland is home to the Chai Kingdom so it makes sense now.

Yeah I thought that was clever.

Also

T h e m a g i c o f e d i t i n g

 

[SiFi]

For real though Diamond City seems to me like the kind of place for bootlegs. A shady guy like Wario makes a quick buck by producing a game that claims to be several in one but none of them have any real substance (but on our side of the fourth wall they're fun anyway) and don't seem at all concerned about copyrights, with unflattering or otherwise inaccurate portrayals of famous Mushroom Kingdom figures and one employee even straight-up recreating other people's games, right down to them having graphics taken directly from those games.

Super Wario Bros. is a standout example, since it's an attempt at recreating a successful game with inferior graphics and physics. I wouldn't be surprised if it was Wario's first attempt at making a game, with him originally intending for it to be as long as the original SMB until he realized making games was harder than it looked and decided to do "microgames" instead. The Classic Clash games are also textbook examples of the strange changes bootleggers make to well-known characters.

 

[Nabber]

this is the best thread the forum's had in a long time

we don't deserve this

 

[freakworld]

well tbh who else would deserve it?

A Zelda Forum?

Gamefaqs?

4chan?

Xephyr Boards??????

 

[Spamton G. Spamton]

This isn't the thread Marioboards deserve.
But the thread Marioboards need.

 

[Kerrigan]

Tl;dr on the past few parts but still this the best thread to come into existence since...idk.

 

[Magikrazy]

I shared this with Mario RPG Boards and so far the reactions are very positive (although I dont think any of SPM's fans on that forum have posted yet).

 

[freakworld]

Tl;dr on the past few parts

youre missing gold if you tldr

 

[Shy Guy Forever]

this is the best thread i have ever seen

we are not worthy

 

[Lin Beifong]

This isn't the thread Marioboards deserve.
But the thread Marioboards need.

Curiously, this is the approach I've been taking with Mario's portrayal in this. He's the hero Flipflopside deserves: Reluctant, easily irritated, and violently vengeful against everything in his way.

 

[Lin Beifong]

Ok, before I continue, I would like to give a huge shout-out to 2257, who pretty much saved this LP. While playing 1-3 I encountered some sort of bug that made it impossible for me to finish the level.

Like, there's a part at the end where you have to hold two buttons at the same time while standing on a blue pedestral, and it didn't work for me. I've tried pressing both at the same time, one after the other, holding one then pressing the other, even mapping both buttons to the same key didn't work. I went back and forth redoing everything, re-reading everything, and making sure I triggered all possible event flags, but still nothing worked. It must have been an emulation glitch or something.

I've sent 2257 my save files so he could complete the level for me on a different version of the emulator. So you have him to thank for this project's continued existence. Go send him chocolate or something.

Spoiler: Chapter 1-3 - I've been through the desert...

This joke is getting very yold very yfast.

Huh, coconuts. Apparently this desert has palm trees. Must be a very humid desert then.

You sure this isn't secretly a beach? Maybe there's the ocean right over those dunes over there. Stop shrugging at me, you don't even have shoulders!

Oh, a flower that speeds up time?

Wait! Define "temporarily"! If I'm going to come out of this 30 years older, I'm going to be extremely pissed!

Nevermind, it just makes the game blow an entire jug of coffee up its own ass. It also gives me double points while it lasts, so that's good.

Aaah!! The mushrooms! They have come back for revenge!!!

Unfortunately, this zombie has come back without a brain, because it has no idea where I am.

I'm over here! Come back you dipshit!

But unlike the evil mushrooms from the Lost Levels, these ones are vulnerable to good old-fashioned head stomps. That's good. That means I won't have any nightmares later.

Well, more nightmares than usual I mean.

Also, Paper Mario has taught me that red palm trees are always significant. This one doesn't seem to hold any secrets though... yet.

Oh look, a totally inconspicuous pebble, the cold gray perfectly blending in with the warm yellowish-brown environment.

"...but it's actually a rock. ...Wait, that doesn't even... what?"

Ah, yes, an explosion. I'll just cause one with my mind. No big deal. Do that all the time.

But yeah, clefts are impervious to jumps unless you get them where it hurts.

If only I had my hammer... Why don't I have my hammer, actually? Tippi, did you confiscate my hammer?

"It didn't fit in my rectangle."

Goddamnit, Tippi.

Screw it, I'll just SMB2 this bitch.

Ker-Pow!!!

And one more!

Into the quicksand with you!

...oh, uhm... That's actually a bit cruel. I feel a little sorry now. I'll pour out a Shroom Shake for you later, pal.

I can hit these two blocks by standing on top of this row of bricks.

...somehow.

What the hell is this then?

Ohhh... so THAT's the elusive Boomboxer I've heard so much about.

It... It blasted sound at me! That means it doesn't like me!

B-but I'm Super Mario! I don't understand!??

I have concluded that these things are EVIL!

No punishment is too harsh for the truly wicked!

This guy has seen me do the deed. Well, he's awfully smiley about it.

Uhm... Tippi? I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but... dragonlike? Like, I've seen a fair number of dragons on my adventures and this guy doesn't really look like one at all.

I mean, let me just go over and show you--

Aaah! Dragon! Dragon! Dragon!!!

"Also can I just say how great it feels that I was right and you weren't? Mmmmmh... Tippi was right. Say it, Mario."

So buying a fly swatter when I get back to Flipside.

Oh, ok. Sneak behind him and smack his butt. Got it.

Whoopedoopedoo, don't mind me, plumber coming through.

Haha! But then it turns out you should have minded me all along!

Sucker!

 

[LN1]

These Pixls are some lousy faires. I mean, that dragon was not even scathed by Tippi.

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-3 - ...on a quest kinda lame

I found some sort of pink butt-looking thing that's farting gas at me.

Don't worry, I wouldn't willingly do something that puts me to sleep.

...uhhh... let's not dwell on that for too long.

Oh my god, it literally IS a butt. What the hell?

Well, let's plug up that gas leak then.

There's a conspicuous line here that's begging to be investigated.

Yup, looks like I was right.

Those Goombas with the rectangles aren't asking to be cut along the dotted lines, by the way. The rectangles just mean they can flip as well. Apparently Bestovius' services aren't as exclusive as he would like people to believe.

You know, for being made of a material as crumbly and loose as sand, this desert has some pretty sharp edges.

Go ahead, take a handful of dry sand and try to shape it into an edge like that. See what happens.

See? I told you that thing was significant somehow. Red usually signifies importance. And charisma.

Anyway, since I have nothing better to do, might as well just backtrack to find out what this is about. Maybe I'll get a fancy new badge for doing th--

Oh... nevermind.

I jumped ten times and this door appeared. That tree must have had a motion sensor installed or something.

Or maybe it just grew one. Wouldn't even be the weirdest thing around here.

Here we have more of these spinny panel dealies from 1-2. These ones are deactivated though.

I threw my hand into this gap and hit the activation switch that way.

Usually putting your hand into strange holes isn't advisable, but its ok when "your hand" is actually someone else's.

These sections look fancy, but it's all automated, so essentially you're forced to stare at the screen and do nothing until its over. I hope this will be used sparingly.

I found this save block next to a door. Save blocks in the middle of areas usually signify that shit is going to go down soon, so shit is probably going to go down soon.

But first I would like to be going down that pipe up there.

On the way I found one of those.

Ok, I knew that jumping on these Goombas is bad, but picking them up is too? Apparently Throwey is too stupid to not shove that spike into my face when he grabs it.

Or maybe he's doing it on purpose because I keep mispronouncing his name. Vengeful little bugger. But I'd probably do the same.

Some amount of flipfloppery later...

Here we have one row of ? Blocks...

...and another row that thought it could hide from me. Cute.

Also, the bottom row boxes are cubes while the top row ones are sprites. I know it's because the top ones are supposed to be visible in 2D mode, but it just looks inconsistent.

You can't tell from these still images, but the top blocks have really wonky hit detection. I keep slipping past them even though I am aligned with the block below, resulting in me falling off and having to climb back on.

Of course while all of this is going on, the 3D meter is still ticking down, so I actually have to take breaks in between to let it recharge.

Turns out I could have just let it run out and taken the hit because one of the blocks had a Super Shroom (heals 20 HP on contact), but I didn't really know that in advance, so I only found the Shroom AFTER I was done dealing with the blocks.

Well whatever. Let's wrap this up here and get back to that door with the save block.

Oh, I'm sorry. I can come back later if this is a bad time.