The Gems- Read and Review Chapter 1!

Re: The Gems- Sign up!

Personality: Funny, easily aggravaited, Intelligent in general yet scatterbrained, and slightly insane.
Weapon of Choice: Portal gun (unless thats too overpowered) and/or beam katana
Appearance: Brown hair, sorta kinda tall, glasses, scientist cape, jeans. OR just use Iggy's design if things beside humans are allowed.
 
Re: The Gems- Sign up!

Awesome Koopa said:
Personality: Funny, easily aggravaited, Intelligent in general yet scatterbrained, and slightly insane.
Weapon of Choice: Portal gun (unless thats too overpowered) and/or beam katana
Appearance: Brown hair, sorta kinda tall, glasses, scientist cape, jeans. OR just use Iggy's design if things beside humans are allowed.
Click to expand...
Never played Portal, so what is the gun like?
 
Re: The Gems- Sign up!

Awesome Koopa said:
Personality: Funny, easily aggravaited, Intelligent in general yet scatterbrained, and slightly insane.
Weapon of Choice: Portal gun (unless thats too overpowered) and/or beam katana
Appearance: Brown hair, sorta kinda tall, glasses, scientist cape, jeans. OR just use Iggy's design if things beside humans are allowed.
Click to expand...
I'm not human im an angel
 
Re: The Gems- Sign up!

New Super Mario said:
Awesome Koopa said:
Personality: Funny, easily aggravaited, Intelligent in general yet scatterbrained, and slightly insane.
Weapon of Choice: Portal gun (unless thats too overpowered) and/or beam katana
Appearance: Brown hair, sorta kinda tall, glasses, scientist cape, jeans. OR just use Iggy's design if things beside humans are allowed.
Click to expand...
Never played Portal, so what is the gun like?
Click to expand...

Its a gun that shoots portals.
 
Re: The Gems- Sign up!

Awesome Koopa said:
New Super Mario said:
Awesome Koopa said:
Personality: Funny, easily aggravaited, Intelligent in general yet scatterbrained, and slightly insane.
Weapon of Choice: Portal gun (unless thats too overpowered) and/or beam katana
Appearance: Brown hair, sorta kinda tall, glasses, scientist cape, jeans. OR just use Iggy's design if things beside humans are allowed.
Click to expand...
Never played Portal, so what is the gun like?
Click to expand...

Its a gun that shoots portals.
Click to expand...
Like a gun that when short transports a player? Also, yes I can use Iggy's design.
 
Re: The Gems- Sign up!

New Super Mario said:
Awesome Koopa said:
New Super Mario said:
Awesome Koopa said:
Personality: Funny, easily aggravaited, Intelligent in general yet scatterbrained, and slightly insane.
Weapon of Choice: Portal gun (unless thats too overpowered) and/or beam katana
Appearance: Brown hair, sorta kinda tall, glasses, scientist cape, jeans. OR just use Iggy's design if things beside humans are allowed.
Click to expand...
Never played Portal, so what is the gun like?
Click to expand...

Its a gun that shoots portals.
Click to expand...
Like a gun that when short transports a player? Also, yes I can use Iggy's design.
Click to expand...

When you shoot at something, it forms a portal. Shoot somewhere else, you can walk through one portal and come out the other.
 
Re: The Gems- Sign up!

New Super Mario said:
I don't think that counts as a weapon.
Click to expand...

OK beam katana is fine with me.
 
Re: The Gems- Sign up!

Thank you, too!
 
Re: The Gems- Sign up!

received an invite to join

Personality: sarcastic and odd
Weapon of choice: a sword
Appearance: that blue Yoshi I always use
 
Re: The Gems- Sign up!

Personality: erm...lazy.
Weapon of choice: A Hat that fires cannonballs( Just imagine a simple black hat with a cannon on top with a seemingly high amount of ammo)
Appearance: The cannon hat, a black coat, purple gloves, pants that reach 'till the foot, simple sneakers, and a misplaced bandana which is misplaced to cover the mouth and nose(without preventing breathing). Basically. dressed so you can only see the eyes.
 
Re: The Gems- Sign up!

Okay, signing up.
Personality: Bubbly and over the top. Also foul-mouthed. Follows Smasher around a lot.
Weapon of choice: Delicate multi-million dollar set of one of a kind Aztec knives.
Appearance: Are we going with human characters? (I'll fill this out later)
 
Re: The Gems- Sign up!

Touko Fukawa said:
Okay, signing up.
Personality: Bubbly and over the top. Also foul-mouthed. Follows Smasher around a lot.
Weapon of choice: Delicate multi-million dollar set of one of a kind Aztec knives.
Appearance: Are we going with human characters? (I'll fill this out later)
Click to expand...
Appearance can be either human or not. Really doesn't matter to me.
 
Re: The Gems- Sign up!

Introduction! Not that much, just starts the adventure and stuff:

http://userpedia.adriels.com/wiki/The_Gems/Introduction

Please rate, comment, and criticize! All help and suggestions are appreciated!
 
Re: The Gems- Introduction is out!

OMP PORPLE DIED SHOCKING REVELATION

Okay, instead of giving you a score and not writing anything else, I'll give you a good fleshed out review. Starting out with a score:

7.5/10.

The story starts off with an implied setting, that being of NSM's house. You then seem to "rapidly" close the refrigerator door, which is a really bad word choice and makes me think that you have anger management problems and like to mash the door repeatedly against the wall.

Packy's introduction is nice, but you make a bit too big of an emphasis on his casual clothes when you don't actually say anything about the meeting he's going to. You also don't clarify on what he's doing at a meeting because as far as I remember he isn't currently in any groups on the Wiki and the story doesn't say he's in anything. There's also a few typos here and there, which does bug me, but it's generally a clean story.

“A book?” I thought to myself looking at the black shiny cover. And yet one titled “The Gems”.
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Again, the word choice here is confusing. You say "And yet one" which just plain doesn't make sense in its context. In that same paragraph you continue to switch between calling these jewels (obviously inspired by Pokemon titles) "The Gems" and "the gems". Is it capitalized or not? And why can you fit the book in your pocket?

You then seem to cut to the mall, which confused me the first time reading because you said you would be at the mall before the cut. So for all I know you're meeting up with your friends in Honduras.
“Where should we go next?” asked my friend Nabber while eating a chocolate bar. “The Chocolate Corner was amazing!”
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Here you string together two completely separate phrases with no correlation or transition. Nabber raises the question of where to go next, but instead of suggesting anything, he randomly goes on to comment on chocolate. Not that he shouldn't, because chocolate is awesome. But it's not good to go off-topic, especially when a few lines later NSM replies to the question, making it seem like he brought it up out of nowhere.
enjoyed my friends. We always did this kind of stuff on the weekends.
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Vague. What do you mean by "this kind of stuff"? It's confusing.

Again, there's no setting description. The reader can only assume that the characters are on the second floor because they want to go to the first floor, and we don't know where they are currently.
This one sent Nabber off the balcony plummeting to the first floor.
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what balcony
“Listen,” Porple said in a weak, coughing voice. “You need to get her. The wiki is in trouble”
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Her?

Okay, I'm going to stop here. I don't need to point out every single flaw. The point is, you need more detail and to elaborate more.

Also:
and a line of shopping karts.
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Shopping karts: please fund this.
 
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