The Gems- Read and Review Chapter 1!

Re: The Gems- Introduction is out!

I gotta say, you've improved quite a bit since New Sherlock Mario.

Well, the plot doesn't look too engaging yet...and I'm not really thinking it's gonna blow me out of the water, but...on a mechanical front, you've improved greatly. You're missing commas in some places and a lot of your dialogue comes off as stilted, but...you're actually putting the effort forth, and it shows.

You make a lot of mistakes, but not as much as you used to.

And I actually kind of thought it was cool.

Not bad at all.

And like Nabber said, you need to be more descriptive- it's not that you're bad at descriptions, it's that you're missing important details that you need to put into your writing.
 
Re: The Gems- Introduction is out!

Thanks Tabuu! You saying that makes me feel good. I promise you guys, I will try to be more descriptive in the next chapter!
 
Re: The Gems- Introduction is out!

On the first floor, rubble and debris was scattered everywhere. Few of the stores remained, and there were at least ten people dead. Toad and I went in the Toy Store to see who we could find. The damage was devastating. The only parts of the Toy Store that remained were a ball pit, the board game isle, and a line of shopping karts.
Something moved inside the ball pit. An object appeared out.
“Nice tie,” Toad said. I realized it was Palkia. Palkia squeezed out of the ball pit and came over to us.
Click to expand...

I can actually picture this happening and I find it really funny.

Good job with the introduction, though :D I really liked it
 
Re: The Gems- Introduction is out!

8/10. This story is looking pretty cool so far. Can't wait for the 1st chapter!
 
Re: The Gems- Introduction is out!

Mind if I join in?

Personality: Calm and shy, though loyal to his friends. Prefers diplomacy over fighting.
Weapons of choice: Frying pan
Appearance: Green pony with a darker green mane. Has a leaf for a cutie mark.
Other Info: A great gardener and cook.

I can also proofread any future stories, if you'd like.
 
Re: The Gems- Introduction is out!

GreenDisaster said:
Mind if I join in?

Personality: Calm and shy, though loyal to his friends. Prefers diplomacy over fighting.
Weapons of choice: Frying pan
Appearance: Green pony with a darker green mane. Has a leaf for a cutie mark.
Other Info: A great gardener and cook.

I can also proofread any future stories, if you'd like.
Click to expand...
Alright I'll see what I can do to get you in! Also, thanks for the offer, but I like too proofread them myself.
 
Re: The Gems- Introduction is out!

New Super Mario said:
Alright I'll see what I can do to get you in! Also, thanks for the offer, but I like too proofread them myself.
Click to expand...
It's usually better to have someone else proofread your stories, considering a second pair of eyes could notice mistakes that you didn't even know were mistakes. In the Introduction, I can point out over a dozen places where a comma should be, and the grammar in certain parts is a bit off too. Sorry if that sounded snobbish, but English is one of my strongest points, so mistakes like that stand out a lot to me.
 
Re: The Gems- Introduction is out!

GreenDisaster said:
New Super Mario said:
Alright I'll see what I can do to get you in! Also, thanks for the offer, but I like too proofread them myself.
Click to expand...
It's usually better to have someone else proofread your stories, considering a second pair of eyes could notice mistakes that you didn't even know were mistakes. In the Introduction, I can point out over a dozen places where a comma should be, and the grammar in certain parts is a bit off too. Sorry if that sounded snobbish, but English is one of my strongest points, so mistakes like that stand out a lot to me.
Click to expand...
Commas are debatable though in some cases.
 
Re: The Gems- Introduction is out!

So, I have Chapter 1 out! Pretty short, Just another quick thing before the adventure starts. Introduces a major character too!

http://userpedia.adriels.com/wiki/The_Gems/Chapter_1
 
CAN I JOIN?
Name: RandomGuy
Personality: Calm, yet easily annoyed
Weapons of Choice: Blue Shells
Appearance: Blue Paratroopa wearing spike bracelets and sunglasses
Other info: Happens to lead a gang and eats lots of food
 
Ehh maybe 6/10
So, you randomly decide to go to the storage room (for all I can tell) and decide to look in Porple's stuff, which isn't even locked. The ONLY thing he has is a random box (well not really) which is a computer (not a robot)

Commence boring plot setup

So, this BRUTALLY LONG BATTLE (...16 hours long...), kinda boring description

Then you are revealed as...
ONE OF THE CHOSEN ONES!!1

That kind of thing gets on my nerves sooooo much.

and
“So you want us to leave our lives As if the wiki wouldn't be in chaos with Porple dying and the trolls being released, kill a bunch of trolls Yeah, on quests you kill bad guys, RISK our lives Well yeah, and restore the seal on the gems? Nooo, he said all that because it was a nice little story”
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Come on, Nabber's smarter than that!
 
Re: The Gems (Sign ups for new adventure story!)

New Super Mario said:
Toad85 said:
Personality: Snarky, smug, nerdy, relatively heartless but can be caring when required.
Weapon of Choice: My mind.
Tangible Weapon of Choice: Power Absorption, ala Mega Man and Kirby; small ray gun if no enemies are available to steal.
Appearance: Short; brown wavy hair; hefty, but not fat; blue mushroom cap and purple jacket.
Click to expand...
So basically your powers don't work if there isn't an enemy around?
Click to expand...
*late in explanation*

Well, sort of. I can't initiate my powers with no enemy in the vicinity. However, I can hold a stolen power for 12 hours or so.
 
Re: The Gems (Sign ups for new adventure story!)

Toad85 said:
New Super Mario said:
Toad85 said:
Personality: Snarky, smug, nerdy, relatively heartless but can be caring when required.
Weapon of Choice: My mind.
Tangible Weapon of Choice: Power Absorption, ala Mega Man and Kirby; small ray gun if no enemies are available to steal.
Appearance: Short; brown wavy hair; hefty, but not fat; blue mushroom cap and purple jacket.
Click to expand...
So basically your powers don't work if there isn't an enemy around?
Click to expand...
*late in explanation*

Well, sort of. I can't initiate my powers with no enemy in the vicinity. However, I can hold a stolen power for 12 hours or so.
Click to expand...
OK, I'll work with it, but I might have to change it a bit.
 
Re: The Gems (Sign ups for new adventure story!)


Toad85 said:
Personality: Snarky, smug, nerdy, relatively heartless but can be caring when required.
Weapon of Choice: My mind.
Tangible Weapon of Choice: Power Absorption, ala Mega Man and Kirby; small ray gun if no enemies are available to steal.
Appearance: Short; brown wavy hair; hefty, but not fat; blue mushroom cap and purple jacket.
Click to expand...
Make him a blue capped, spectacled Heff T.
 
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