Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (Case 2 Chapter 5 is up)

Who was your favourite character in Case 1 (Turnabout Meet Up)?

  • Lily Troof

    Votes: 2 10.0%

  • Neptune Poseidon

    Votes: 7 35.0%

  • Benjamin-Matthew Bones

    Votes: 1 5.0%

  • Judge Nabber

    Votes: 2 10.0%

  • Barry Riles

    Votes: 1 5.0%

  • Gulliver Note

    Votes: 1 5.0%

  • Fire Eevee

    Votes: 6 30.0%
  • Total voters
    20
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

Pokémon Trainer Toad85 said:
New Super Mario said:
Sunprius
Click to expand...

prius.jpg
Click to expand...
I expected it.

Really it's supposed to be a form of "super" from my username, with the n added in their for the "new" part.

@Lily:

On the first page you said "Suprius". It's supposed to have an n between the u and the p.
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

I will fix it. Also, starting on the case one prolouge. It should be ok as the prosecutor I need doesn't appear until chapter 1. It will be a pretty big prolouge though, a good couple of pages on word.
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

Name: Barry Riles
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Height: 6'1
Role: Rival character, not evil though.
Occupation: Professional detective
Appearance: Gray hair, brown eyes, and a small beard.
Personality: Likes to have the largest say in what is going on.
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

We already have a detective.
Also, I'm going to change the prolouge a bit to make it more myserious and not as riddiculously long.
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

He's a rival prosecuter (sp?), we'll say
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

So, YM, would be be willing to change to a prosecutor (You get to be Winston Payne)
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

Excellent. That should be enough to get me going on case one as more might sign up as it goes along. Oh, there will be other characters as well in this who I made up. Hopefully I shoulf be done or near done on the prolouge tommorow.
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

Can I be in it? If so

Name: Tom Chalice
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Height: 6'12
Role: IDK
Occupation: IDK
Appearance: a handsome young man who has glossy black hair, and is very muscular
Personality: A charming, but short tempered and aggressive.
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

Yeah, sure, but I would prefer it if you specified a role if not I will just put you down as minor.
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

Can I be other main character? And my job is I'm a police officer.
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

I just found out today that "defence" isn't spelled wrong, it's just the british way
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

He is another proesecutor, not the main (ie, like in the first game Edgeworth was the main rival but Phoenix was also againt Payne and Von Karma.) Also, I have to update the UP page.
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

Prologue is up.
Love it, like it or dislike it or whatever.
http://userpedia.adriels.com/wiki/Lily_Troof:_Ace_Attorney-_Turnabout_Meet_Up:_Prologue
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

Okay, now that I'm finished stretching, review time.

Your writing has certainly improved a lot, I can tell you that. But, like many other works in this community, it's stilled plagued by grammatical errors. Your main problem here is punctuation and sentence fragments - you often use periods where there should be commas and commas when there should be periods. I also don't like your word choice, and at one point in the chapter you end up running into pronoun problems.

That said, it's not bad. It's only the prologue, so I can really only judge your writing style at this point, but I'd like to see where you go with this. Just fix up those problems I mentioned.
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

there should be a period after "Mr", so Mr. Poseidon, and in the first sentence, gentlemen shouldn't be capitalized. I'm too lzy to notice anything else
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

Just a helpful tip. Make a line of dialogue it's own paragraph. It makes it easier to read.
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

http://userpedia.adriels.com/wiki/Lily_Troof:_Ace_Attorney said:
PS: Can somoeone fix the links so somehow its says 'Prolgue rather than the full title of the page, thanks.
Click to expand...
Done.

Good story. Keep it up and follow above tips.
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

great! when do I appear? sry im inpatient
 
Re: Lily Troof: Ace Attorney (I promise this will get past the teaser)

Herobrine said:
great! when do I appear? sry im inpatient
Click to expand...
One day I'm going to make a story where the users who complain the most about their appearance will just have their appearance delayed.

Lay off, it's not your story. She's not going to go mess her story up so that your ridiculously made character can be in it.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back