The Real Life Wiki - 28,000 VIEWS!

Happy

  • Hall

    Votes: 4 36.4%

  • Ow

    Votes: 5 45.5%

  • Een!

    Votes: 2 18.2%
  • Total voters
    11
Re: The Real Life Wiki

I wonder if UltraMario read C7 yet..
 
Re: The Real Life Wiki

Lil' Blue Bird said:
MY LITTLE PONY is awesome, so whens the next CH.?
Click to expand...
Next week probably, or on Labor Day, or tomorrow.

It depends whether I have ideas for the next chapter or not.
 
Re: The Real Life Wiki

grimAuxiliatrix said:
Criticize constructively, comment, rate, and have fun reading! Don't forget to subscribe...
Click to expand...
/\ You stole that from me!

Alright, where do I start..... okay got it. Try not to break the fourth wall as every other line with yourself did, one, it looks childish, and, two it's confusing. You start off the story like you just barely got on a plane, don't give us information that is pointless that we know (unless recalling in a quote), the last chapter was entirely you and the gang on a plane. I still don't understand the gray characters, is that going to be explained in later chapters? Quote the thoughts also, or italicize it, some people do that.

Here's the thing, in the car dealership, you and the gang snickered at the man's accent, next time, please fill in that information for the reader to know, because I'll like to know what accent for better imagery. And really..... I am sure they are going to sell a totally high end, expensive car for rent.

Again, don't place users/or things randomly in situations. You just all of a sudden got $500 out of your bags, I, as a reader, want to know, where did you got that money? You just teleported into the real world, and the MarioWiki doesn't use USD's as their currency. Now that I think about it, $500, that's pretty cheap for a high end, supped-up car including that you must bring it to a deadline, if there is a deadline in the story, it will be great to mention what was the current time then for the reader. 516 pounds is not going to break a car, that's the weight of an average family of four and if we're talking about America ohhh..... that will be four or five times the weight. And it doesn't make sense, why were you sitting on top of the car? The police would of pulled you over for only that.

Speaking of the police, don't randomly switch points of view unless it's announced, because that messes with the reader's flow of reading. Also, the scene from after getting the ticket to the scene of being thrown to jail went by too fast, the only circumstance you can do it in is when building up a comedic feeling, but the scene of YoshiWaker acting crazy behind the wheel seemed dumb and unreal.

UltraMario's reasoning why he was in jail was also partially unreal. And what time era is this, doesn't this take place in the present time, because I don't think there that many or any jails the force labor the prisoners to crush rocks with hammers (not axes) and the simple plan of escaping prison is not complex at all, because the second you try to walk out with bags over yourselves, guards will shoot you down. When the words "Prison escape" and "plan" is put together, it has to be complex than putting on bags and walking out an unattended open door/gate because prisons and jails are incredibly secure and complex.

I need to ask, what do those lines of separation mean, are they like a period of time pass or change of point of view, like another character speaking because the story doesn't really specify.

Maybe a 6 because I sort of see improving.
 
Re: The Real Life Wiki

Charles zi Britannia said:
grimAuxiliatrix said:
Criticize constructively, comment, rate, and have fun reading! Don't forget to subscribe...
Click to expand...
/\ You stole that from me!

Alright, where do I start..... okay got it. Try not to break the fourth wall as every other line with yourself did, one, it looks childish, and, two it's confusing. You start off the story like you just barely got on a plane, don't recall information that is pointless that we know, the last chapter was entirely you and the gang on a plane. I still don't understand the gray characters, is that going to be explained in later chapters?

Here's the thing, in the car dealership, you and the gang snickered at the man's accent, next time, please fill in that information for the reader to know, because I'll like to know what accent for better imagery. And really..... I am sure they are going to sell a totally high end, expensive car for rent.

Again, don't place users/or things randomly in situations. You just all of a sudden got $500 out of your bags, I, as a reader, want to know, where did you got that money? You just teleported into the real world, and the MarioWiki doesn't use USD's as their currency. Now that I think about it, $500, that's pretty cheap for a high end, supped-up car including that you must bring it to a deadline, if there is a deadline in the story, it will be great to mention what was the current time then for the reader. 516 pounds is not going to break a car, that's the weight of an average family of four and if we're talking about America ohhh..... that will be four or five times the weight. And it doesn't make sense, why were you sitting on top of the car? The police would of pulled you over for only that.

Speaking of the police, don't randomly switch points of view unless it's announced, because that messes with the reader's flow of reading. Also, the scene from after getting the ticket to the scene of being thrown to jail went by too fast, the only circumstance you can do it in is when building up a comedic feeling, but the scene of YoshiWaker acting crazy behind the wheel seemed dumb and unreal.

UltraMario's reasoning why he was in jail was also partially unreal. And what time era is this, doesn't this take place in the present time, because I don't think there that many or any jails the force labor the prisoners to crush rocks with hammers (not axes) and the simple plan of escaping prison is not complex at all, because the second you try to walk out with bags over yourselves, guards will shoot you down. When the words "Prison escape" and "plan" is put together, it has to be complex than putting on bags and walking out an unattended open door/gate because prisons and jails are incredibly secure and complex.

I need to ask, what do those lines of separation mean, are they like a period of time pass or change of point of view, like another character speaking because the story doesn't really specify.

Maybe a 6 because I sort of see improving.
Click to expand...
Wow plot hole galore
 
Re: The Real Life Wiki

Charles zi Britannia said:
grimAuxiliatrix said:
Criticize constructively, comment, rate, and have fun reading! Don't forget to subscribe...
Click to expand...
/\ You stole that from me!

Alright, where do I start..... okay got it. Try not to break the fourth wall as every other line with yourself did, one, it looks childish, and, two it's confusing. You start off the story like you just barely got on a plane, don't recall information that is pointless that we know, the last chapter was entirely you and the gang on a plane. I still don't understand the gray characters, is that going to be explained in later chapters?

Here's the thing, in the car dealership, you and the gang snickered at the man's accent, next time, please fill in that information for the reader to know, because I'll like to know what accent for better imagery. And really..... I am sure they are going to sell a totally high end, expensive car for rent.

Again, don't place users/or things randomly in situations. You just all of a sudden got $500 out of your bags, I, as a reader, want to know, where did you got that money? You just teleported into the real world, and the MarioWiki doesn't use USD's as their currency. Now that I think about it, $500, that's pretty cheap for a high end, supped-up car including that you must bring it to a deadline, if there is a deadline in the story, it will be great to mention what was the current time then for the reader. 516 pounds is not going to break a car, that's the weight of an average family of four and if we're talking about America ohhh..... that will be four or five times the weight. And it doesn't make sense, why were you sitting on top of the car? The police would of pulled you over for only that.

Speaking of the police, don't randomly switch points of view unless it's announced, because that messes with the reader's flow of reading. Also, the scene from after getting the ticket to the scene of being thrown to jail went by too fast, the only circumstance you can do it in is when building up a comedic feeling, but the scene of YoshiWaker acting crazy behind the wheel seemed dumb and unreal.

UltraMario's reasoning why he was in jail was also partially unreal. And what time era is this, doesn't this take place in the present time, because I don't think there that many or any jails the force labor the prisoners to crush rocks with hammers (not axes) and the simple plan of escaping prison is not complex at all, because the second you try to walk out with bags over yourselves, guards will shoot you down. When the words "Prison escape" and "plan" is put together, it has to be complex than putting on bags and walking out an unattended open door/gate because prisons and jails are incredibly secure and complex.

I need to ask, what do those lines of separation mean, are they like a period of time pass or change of point of view, like another character speaking because the story doesn't really specify.

Maybe a 6 because I sort of see improving.
Click to expand...
For first comment - Yes, it will be explained later.

But good, it's improving.
 
Re: The Real Life Wiki

Charles zi Britannia said:
grimAuxiliatrix said:
Criticize constructively, comment, rate, and have fun reading! Don't forget to subscribe...
Click to expand...
/\ You stole that from me!

Alright, where do I start..... okay got it. Try not to break the fourth wall as every other line with yourself did, one, it looks childish, and, two it's confusing. You start off the story like you just barely got on a plane, don't give us information that is pointless that we know (unless recalling in a quote), the last chapter was entirely you and the gang on a plane. I still don't understand the gray characters, is that going to be explained in later chapters? Quote the thoughts also, or italicize it, some people do that.

Here's the thing, in the car dealership, you and the gang snickered at the man's accent, next time, please fill in that information for the reader to know, because I'll like to know what accent for better imagery. And really..... I am sure they are going to sell a totally high end, expensive car for rent.

Again, don't place users/or things randomly in situations. You just all of a sudden got $500 out of your bags, I, as a reader, want to know, where did you got that money? You just teleported into the real world, and the MarioWiki doesn't use USD's as their currency. Now that I think about it, $500, that's pretty cheap for a high end, supped-up car including that you must bring it to a deadline, if there is a deadline in the story, it will be great to mention what was the current time then for the reader. 516 pounds is not going to break a car, that's the weight of an average family of four and if we're talking about America ohhh..... that will be four or five times the weight. And it doesn't make sense, why were you sitting on top of the car? The police would of pulled you over for only that.

Speaking of the police, don't randomly switch points of view unless it's announced, because that messes with the reader's flow of reading. Also, the scene from after getting the ticket to the scene of being thrown to jail went by too fast, the only circumstance you can do it in is when building up a comedic feeling, but the scene of YoshiWaker acting crazy behind the wheel seemed dumb and unreal.

UltraMario's reasoning why he was in jail was also partially unreal. And what time era is this, doesn't this take place in the present time, because I don't think there that many or any jails the force labor the prisoners to crush rocks with hammers (not axes) and the simple plan of escaping prison is not complex at all, because the second you try to walk out with bags over yourselves, guards will shoot you down. When the words "Prison escape" and "plan" is put together, it has to be complex than putting on bags and walking out an unattended open door/gate because prisons and jails are incredibly secure and complex.

I need to ask, what do those lines of separation mean, are they like a period of time pass or change of point of view, like another character speaking because the story doesn't really specify.

Maybe a 6 because I sort of see improving.
Click to expand...
To answer the thing at the top:

No, I actually got in the mood for saying Youtube related stuff.
 
Re: The Real Life Wiki

grimAuxiliatrix said:
Brother Love said:
Why did you double post
Click to expand...
To say something. If I edited it, Zero777 never would've saw it.

And why did you make a useless post?
Click to expand...
Um zero wouldn't have seen the latest post
 
Re: The Real Life Wiki

BananaYoshi said:
grimAuxiliatrix said:
Brother Love said:
grimAuxiliatrix said:
Brother Love said:
Why did you double post
Click to expand...
To say something. If I edited it, Zero777 never would've saw it.

And why did you make a useless post?
Click to expand...
Um zero wouldn't have seen the latest post
Click to expand...
He actually probably would've.

But let's get back on topic.
Click to expand...

Ok TRLW is AWESOME!!!!
Click to expand...
Thank you :)

But as the author myself, it can be improved.

But, this is my first Userpedia story, so I'll learn more experience after this.
 
Re: The Real Life Wiki

BananaYoshi said:
ya but to me it's really really good.
Click to expand...
To answer your PM, it depends when I have ideas for the next chapter.

I can't reply via PM anymore cause I maxed my 20 per hour.
 
Re: The Real Life Wiki

grimAuxiliatrix said:
BananaYoshi said:
ya but to me it's really really good.
Click to expand...
To answer your PM, it depends when I have ideas for the next chapter.

I can't reply via PM anymore cause I maxed my 20 per hour.
Click to expand...


Oh ok. Get Ideas soon ;)
 
Re: The Real Life Wiki

BananaYoshi said:
grimAuxiliatrix said:
BananaYoshi said:
ya but to me it's really really good.
Click to expand...
To answer your PM, it depends when I have ideas for the next chapter.

I can't reply via PM anymore cause I maxed my 20 per hour.
Click to expand...


Oh ok. Get Ideas soon ;)
Click to expand...
I'll try. :P

I usually get ideas at school though, so on Tuesday C8 might be released.
 
Re: The Real Life Wiki

grimAuxiliatrix said:
BananaYoshi said:
grimAuxiliatrix said:
BananaYoshi said:
ya but to me it's really really good.
Click to expand...
To answer your PM, it depends when I have ideas for the next chapter.

I can't reply via PM anymore cause I maxed my 20 per hour.
Click to expand...


Oh ok. Get Ideas soon ;)
Click to expand...
I'll try. :P

I usually get ideas at school though, so on Tuesday C8 might be released.
Click to expand...

Ok I'll sure to see if it's up.


I can't wait
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back