Zork

Take knife and go North.
 
> get knife


You quickly grab the knife and stick it in your pants. You suddenly feel a strong sense of justice. Soon your knife's pure, shining blade will bite the flesh of the sinners.


> inv


You've got some clothes on, a stick of gum in your pocket, and a knife sticking into your leg. Ah. You suddenly feel a strong sense of mind-bending irony, as well as mind-bending agony.
◦examine gum
◦remove knife
◦go south
◦leave house
◦stab classmate
 
> leave house


You're standing on a grassy lawn. Looks well-kept.

Directly in front of you is a nice-looking forest. You can also hear a faint rushing sound to your left, but it's drowned out by a low moaning. You look around for a while before you realize it's coming from you.

Did I mention that knife was painful?
◦so what?
◦remove knife
◦enter forest
◦go left
◦examine house
 
> enter forest


Staggering into the wilderness with a gushing flesh wound is not a good idea.

In moments you are torn apart by an Azer, and your bones are picked clean by an Azer.





It appears that the last blow was too much for you. I'm afraid that you are dead.

As you take your last breath, you feel relieved of your burdens. The feeling passes as you find yourself before the gates of Hell, where the spirits jeer at you and deny you entry. Your senses are disturbed. The objects in the dungeon appear indistinct, bleached of color, even unreal.


> examine me


You appear to be made of a translucent floating white substance. There seems to be a golden halo hovering above your head.
◦ enter gates of Hell
◦ fly up
◦ restore


(Much later on, Gruemanoid archaeologists declare your unearthed skeleton to be proof of the evolutionary link between half-orc humans and pygmy marmosets, but that's irrelevant at the present moment.)
 
You walk through the Gates of Hell, and meet many dead people, who are bad (that's why they are here). Hey look, it's Pol Pot! And next to him is Idi Amin! And over there, it's Oscar Wilde.


> Okay, but what's George Washington doing here?



It seems he was telling a lie. Thomas Jefferson chopped down the cherry tree. Anyway look over there, it's Satan! He's a bad guy! Seeing you, Satan realizes you are not fully dead and comes over to talk to you. He says he is going to devour your soul if you don't give him something jingly. It looks like you have to hand over the Tambourine.


> Give Tambourine



Give Tambourine to who?


> The Devil



oh n0es!!!!

It's not nice to call someone the Devil. Call him by his full name.


> Give Beelzebub Lucifer Baal Nicholas Francis Günther Catherine Diablo Bob Dole Aeris Sauron Astaroth Pikachu Satan the TAMBOURINE!



You give Beelzebub Lucifer Baal Nicholas Francis Günther Catherine Diablo Bob Dole Aeris Sauron Astaroth Pikachu Satan the tambourine and he plays with it like a two year old. He says thank you, says you are forgiven of your sins, and teleports you to...
•An Abyss
•Player Vs. Player Arena
•Destination: Unknown
•Heaven
•A Grue, who is willing to become friends with you
•Zork
•Two steps away from where you are standing
 
That was really stupid. I mean really, really stupid. Not only have you given up your chance to get out of this horrible place, but you were standing two steps away from a dark, deep pit.


> Am I likely to be eaten by a grue?



Shut up.
Actually, you weren't. But now, now that you've reminded me, you are. So. That was really stupid. I mean really, really st-


> I get it. You don't need to repeat the room description.



Fine. - and are likely to be eaten by a grue. So... what are you going to do about it?


> Turn on lamp.



You haven't got a lamp. You're dead.


> Turn alive again



Nice try. But turns out that you don't need to try, because a grue attempts to eat you and its teeth pass right through you. Remember? You're a ghost?


> ...Right. Use ghost powers to fly out of pit.



You try, but the pit is sucking you in, and as much as you struggle you get sucked in. With a last, despairing cry, you plummet into the depths of the pit. You hit the ground with a loud thump. You slowly gaze upwards to see what new torture awaits you, only to see - It's a Hannah Montana performance. You scream and try to break free of the hordes of wig-wearing six-year-old mini-rockstars, but they cling on to you like leeches, sucking all musical taste out of you. You'd better think fast.
•Start singing
•Fly off with ghost powers
•Bite them
 
Hannah Montana jumps from the stage to give the fangirls high fives. All the fangirls where you are standing run toward Hannah trampling you.



*** You have died ***

Would you like to start over, restore a saved position, or end this session of Zork? (type RESTART, RESTORE, or QUIT):
• restart
• restore
• quit
 
Well, the Grue is still here. It looks hungrier by the second. Best be out of here before it gets any ideas.
•go north
•go south
•go west
•go east
•Have hot steamy sex with Gruel
•stay
•take a dump
•you said "gruel" instead of "grue", you noob.
 
> go south


You are in the foyer of what appears to be a fairly decent home. There's an open living room off to your left and a flight of stairs to your right, leading up. There is also a large, imposing door directly in front of you.

On hooks above the mantlepiece hangs an elven elfin sword of great antiquity.


> examine door


The door is locked, bolted, and hermitically sealed. Plus, I heard it said something nasty about your mom. You're not gettin' through there.
•go left
•climb stairs
•lift a rug
•go back
•get sword
•attempt to pronounce 'xyzzy'
•avoid grue
 
> lift rug


Oh, a smart guy, eh? Well, there's a trapdoor under it.
• enter trapdoor
• peek under trapdoor
• Don't open trapdoor
 
> unlock and open trapdoor



The door reluctantly opens to reveal a rickety staircase descending into darkness.


> down



You are in a dark and damp cellar with a narrow passageway leading east, and a crawlway to the south. On the west is the bottom of a steep metal ramp which is unclimbable.

It is very dark. You are likely to be eaten by a Gruiform.

The trapdoor slams shut behind you, and you hear someone locking it, barring it, chaining it, pouring concrete over it, and dropping several anvils on top of it. Also, I think they Scotch-taped the edges. You are never, ever getting back up there.

(And don't just think you can restart the game to get back upstairs, because then you'll make me feel very, very sad.)


> west



It is unclimbable!
• south
• east
 
> east


You are in an east-to-west switchback which forks to the northeast, heads south, and then curves to the left. Obvious exits are east and west.

Morgoth, Lord of Darkness is here, blocking the east passage. You notice a large pile of burnt and pulverised human bodies surrounding his huge feet.


> examine morgoth


He is the Master of the Pits of Angband. His figure is like a black mountain crowned with lightning. He rages with everlasting anger, his body scarred by Fingolfin's seven mighty wounds. He can never rest from his pain, but seeks forever to dominate all that is light and good in the world. He is the origin of man's fear of darkness and created many foul creatures with his evil powers. Orcs, Dragons, and Trolls are his most foul corruptions, causing much pain and suffering in the world to please him. His disgusting visage, twisted with evil, is crowned with iron, the two remaining Silmarils forever burning him. Grond, the mighty Hammer of the Underworld, cries defiance as he strides towards you to crush you to a pulp!


> what the heck? shouldn't there just be a troll here?!



You must be thinking of Zork version 1.0. The troll got replaced after a user called "Grue Slayer" complained that the game was too easy.
• dodge the hammer blow, strafe behind him and karate-kick him in the crotch 3,000,000 times
• take the hammer blow to the face, roll around on the floor in agony, and DIE.
• "Look behind you! A three-headed monkey!"
• Use a Mysterious Object
 
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