Zork

Road out of Hell

Score: -5

Moves: 0





> fly up



As your astral body rises up, away from the morass of suffering and despair that waits beneath you, you are suddenly stopped by a robed figure.


> examine robed figure



It's wearing an ink-black hooded robe, so you can't see its features.

"I AM DEATH. NONE CAN LEAVE MY DOMAIN UNLESS THEY CHALLENGE ME."


> challenge Death



You say, "Okay! I challenge you to a duel! ...there, now can I go?"

"NONE CAN LEAVE MY DOMAIN UNLESS THEY CHALLENGE ME AND WIN. ...I THOUGHT THAT WAS IMPLIED."

The figure waves its cloaked hand, and you suddenly appear in an old-style video arcade. You thought those things only existed in history books and Japan.

"CHOOSE YOUR CHALLENGE."


> "Okay, but would you please stop shouting?!"



"NO. SHOUTING IS MY THING."
◦Ape Escape
◦Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest
◦Zork
◦Chess
 
Death probably is like a god when it comes to chess.

>Danky Kang Country 2
 
DKC2

Score: -5

Moves: 0






> challenge Death to a showdown of Donkey Kong Country 2



Death pops in his cartridge. As he boots up the game you wonder why the guardian of the after life would still only have a SNES.


> Ponder aloud



Death responds, "YOU'RE ONE TO TALK. YOU'RE STILL PLAYING TEXT GAMES THAT WEREN'T COOL EVEN IN THEIR HEYDAY."


> play game



You and Death play the two-player contest mode. Unfortunately, you lose a life in Lockjaw's Locker(which is like the third level in the game! no! wait! the fourth! whatever! If I'm wrong you're grued anyway), Squawks' Shaft and Gloomy Galleon, allowing Death to take the lead and beat Kaptain K. Rool before you.

Fortunately, Death is willing to give you another chance. Choose a different game.
◦ Ape Escape
◦ Zork
◦ Chess
 
Chess Game vs. Death

Score: -1

Moves: 0






> "I challenge you to CHESS, no matter how clichéd such a choice may be!"



...several moments later...
> "Wahoo! I won! I won! I beat Death!!"







*** You win the battle! ***

> "So what do I do now?"



"Welllll..."

Death zaps you, causing you to go blind for a short period of time. You feel that you've been transported somewhere like the room you started out with.

You open your eyes and...
◦Look around
 
Nondescript room

Score: 0

Moves: 1




Well, the Grue is still here. It looks hungrier by the second. Best be out of here before it gets any ideas.
◦go north
◦go south
◦go west
◦go east
◦Have hot steamy sex with Gruel
◦stay
◦take a dump
◦you said "gruel" instead of "grue", you noob.
 
East

Score: ?

Moves: 1







You smack your head into the wall. You wake up to find yourself being eaten by the Grue. Your last concious thought is the determination to pay attention to your surroundings more.



*** You have won ***

> What? I won?!


Oops, sorry, my mistake. Got the wrong banner... ah, here we go:




It appears that the last blow was too much for you. I'm afraid that you are dead.

As you take your last breath, you feel relieved of your burdens. The feeling passes as you find yourself before the gates of Hell, where the spirits jeer at you and deny you entry. Your senses are disturbed. The objects in the dungeon appear indistinct, bleached of color, even unreal.


> examine me


You appear to be made of a translucent floating white substance. There seems to be a golden halo hovering above your head.
◦ enter gates of Hell
◦ fly up
◦ restore
 
Lumastar said:
Sorry, didn't know.

Take the wheel.
Click to expand...
That's alright.
Nibbs said:
>Beats Death
>Gets killed right away
Right.

>Restore
Click to expand...

Restore

Score: 0, duh

Moves: 0





> restore


There are six save files.
1. The Super Ultimate Final Conclusive Showdown Battle of The End - 451 turn(s)
2. Nondescript Room - 1 turn(s)
3. No data
4. Grue Room - ? turn(s)
5. Game Ending! - 9 turns



◦ Go back
 
None of the save files interested you? Ok.

Heck

Score: 666

Moves: 666




You walk through the Gates of Hell, and meet many dead people, who are bad (that's why they are here). Hey look, it's Pol Pot! And next to him is Idi Amin! And over there, it's Oscar Wilde.


> Okay, but what's George Washington doing here?



It seems he was telling a lie. Thomas Jefferson chopped down the cherry tree. Anyway look over there, it's Satan! He's a bad guy! Seeing you, Satan realizes you are not fully dead and comes over to talk to you. He says he is going to devour your soul if you don't give him something jingly. It looks like you have to hand over the Tambourine.


> Give Tambourine



Give Tambourine to who?


> The Devil



oh n0es!!!!

It's not nice to call someone the Devil. Call him by his full name.


> Give Beelzebub Lucifer Baal Nicholas Francis Günther Catherine Diablo Bob Dole Aeris Sauron Astaroth Pikachu Satan the TAMBOURINE!



You give Beelzebub Lucifer Baal Nicholas Francis Günther Catherine Diablo Bob Dole Aeris Sauron Astaroth Pikachu Satan the tambourine and he plays with it like a two year old. He says thank you, says you are forgiven of your sins, and teleports you to...
◦An Abyss
◦Player Vs. Player Arena
◦Destination: Unknown
◦Heaven
◦A Grue, who is willing to become friends with you
◦Zork
◦Two steps away from where you are standing
 
What kind of old computer game would I be if I didn't let you pick a save file? Anyway,

Heaveck

Score: 777

Moves: 777




Yes, you finally made it to heaven. There are no grues here.


> look



There is a grue in front of you.


> WHAT!?



Not my problem =D
◦eat grue
◦have a tea party
◦o n0es
 
Tea party!!!

Score: ??

Moves: ?????






> have a tea party



You start a tea party, and a grue wants to join in.
◦Sure!
◦No way!
◦kill the grue
◦eat grue
 
tea party Score: three hundred and billionty six Moves: eleventy twelve



> Sure!



the grue mistakes you for the tea biscuit and eats you. So tragic. Boo hoo.



*** You fail at Zork ***

Fanta is up next!
 
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